Etiquette Throwback 1897: A Chatty Easy Style
Margaret Sherwood looks at small talk and while the angle is a bit different, some of the advice is still what we offer today.
Margaret Sherwood, Manners and Social Usages, 1897: A Chatty, Easy Style
Margaret Sherwood’s book, Manners and Social Usages, was the guide of the Gilded Age, and young Emily likely had a copy on her bookshelf. While much of this book is very dated today, we were surprised at how similar Sherwood’s advice on small talk was to our own in the Centennial Edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette. While the angle is a bit different, and modern etiquette advice speaks to all people, not just women, it is fun to see that some things have changed little in 127 years.
*Please note that grammar and spelling in the following excerpt follow late-19th-century standards.
Chapter XXXVII Simple Dinners
A CHATTY, EASY STYLE
It is a good plan for a shy young person, who has no confidence in her own powers of conversation, to fortify herself with several topics of general interest, such as the last new novel, the last opera, the best and newest gallery of pictures, or the flower in fashion; and to invent a formula, if words are wanting in her organization, as to how these subjects should be introduced and handled. Many ideas will occur to her, and she can silently arrange them. Then she may keep these as a reserve force, using them only when the conversation drops, or she is unexpectedly brought to the necessity of keeping up the ball alone. Some people use this power rather unfairly, leading the conversation up to the point where they wish to enter; but these are not the people who need help-they can take care of themselves. After talking awhile in a perfunctory manner, many a shy young person has been astonished by a sudden rush of brilliant ideas, and finds herself talking naturally and well without effort. It is like the launching of a ship; certain blocks of shyness and habits of mental reserve are knocked away, and the brave frigate Small-Talk takes the water like a thing of life.
It demands much tact and cleverness to touch upon the ordinary events of the day at a mixed dinner, because, in the first place, nothing should be said which can hurt anyone's feelings—politics, religion, and the stock market being generally ruled out; nor should one talk about that which everybody knows, for such small-talk is impertinent and irritating. No one wishes to be told that which he already understands better, perhaps, than we do. Nor are matters of too private a nature, such as one's health, or one's servants, or one's disappointments, still less one's good deeds, to be talked about.
Today, we still advise that small talk consists of easy topics that are not likely to offend, even if they do encourage opinion. The latest novel, TV show, documentary, movie, or podcast that you’ve seen, or a live event that recently took place like a show at the local theater house or a concert that came to town. And, while we don’t say avoid topics like politics, religion, and finances (and relationships and sex,) we do advise that you venture into them carefully, recognizing that they are more personal and more connected to people’s ideologies and identities, thus we treat them with more care.
What are your thoughts on modern-day small talk? Are there topics you wish we’d talk more openly about, or are there some you wish we weren’t quite so open with? We’d love to hear your thoughts! If you can’t post here, head on over to the Monday post, where the comment thread is open to all.
A GIFT WORTH GIVING Signed copies of Emily Post’s Etiquette - The Centennial Edition are available now and make an excellent gift and pair well with our NEW TRIVIA GAME: Mind Your Manners. Get your copy today from the fine folks at Bridgeside Books!
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Thanks for taking the time to explore some old-school etiquette with us today. It’s fun to imagine young Emily, long before her Etiquette days, thinking about what to say at her first grown-up dinner party. Keep an eye on your inbox for the Saturday Sip; it’s up next! And if you haven’t checked out the podcast this week, here’s the link.
All our best,
Lizzie and Dan
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As much as I would like to join podcasts, I simply do not have the time. Thank you for short versions of thoughts about today's etiquette so one can always feel comfortable facing today's new challenges.