Etiquette Today: The Unexpected
Great hosts know how to prep well for their parties, but they also know how to play it cool when the unexpected arises. Check out these tips to help you out!
The Unexpected
Even the best of hosts will be faced with an unexpected situation occasionally. Knowing what to do for some of the most common “party surprises” can greatly increase your chances of staying calm cool and collected and remaining the gracious host in the moment. Let’s look at some of the most common unexpected situations.
A GUEST ARRIVES LATE - this one is a classic, and a more frequent issue post-pandemic. Our sense of punctuality seems to have slid a bit during the pandemic and it has been slow to be rectified for most of us. While the vast majority of social gatherings do include a grace period when it comes to arriving, a truly late guest (beyond 20 minutes after the start time) is not uncommon. Hopefully, your guest has sent a text message to let you know that they will be late, but regardless of if they have or not, when they arrive you want to welcome them graciously into the party. A good host (like Mr. Goodhost in our book) will help a late guest to join right in once they arrive. A good host would never chastise their guest or treat them curtly. In many ways, it’s best to take the attitude that you are grateful they were able to make it!
AN EXTRA GUEST - When a guest you’ve invited brings an uninvited person (or people) along it can be a little startling. You open the door expecting your friend and you get your friend plus extra(s). While your invited guest has committed a major guest faux pas, what you do not want to have to happen is for the uninvited guest(s) to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or awkward. They bear no responsibility for this awkward moment and as the host, your best move is to take the etiquette high road here and welcome everyone in with open arms. If you do not know the extra guest(s) introduce yourself, smile, and say, “Please come in…” as you would with any other guest. If you have a table set for 10 and now you are a party of 11, discretely make room at the table and set an extra seat. If your resources only accommodate 10, do your best to make the table setting inclusive, either by giving the extra guest the setting you have at their own place, and using a more casual or other set for yourself or by mixing in a different set with what you’ve put out so that the entire table looks intentional. What you don’t want is to set out a stool and casual table setting for the extra guest which would make them feel like a noticeable last-minute addition. Sure, you might need to break out a folding chair if you don’t have an extra in your dining set, but use it for yourself.
The same is true with the food. If you were planning on plated portions, you can make what you planned for go farther by holding back on your own (and maybe some willing close family or friends who understand your predicament,) in order to help spread the food out among all your guests. We call this FHB, Family Hold Back. Remember, the overarching goal at this moment is to make the extra guest feel included. While we don’t often find a reason for needing to do this, if you do feel compelled to discuss the issue with the guest who brought the uninvited person, do so gently and as a follow-up and not during the event.
SPILLS, BREAKS, AND MESSES - This can be a tough one, especially if the item that breaks or is ruined is something special to you. While you should never feel pressure to your best or most sentimental items when entertaining, many of us do appreciate getting them out and putting them to good use for a special occasion. If something is too precious to risk getting broken or ruined, it’s best to have it in a safe place during a gathering. That said, when an accident does occur your first concern as a host is safety, was the accident something that could result in a burn or cut? Check-in with the guest first so you are taking care of people before things. Next do what you can to mitigate the damage, for a break that means cleaning it up as carefully as you can and to the best of your ability. For a stain, move quickly to blot up what you can and soak or treat the stain in place for now. While you may need to move quickly to address a stain or shattered glass, do make sure that in the process you are checking in with the guest who had the accident and reassure them that it is okay. Away from the moment, you can take the time to decide if you’d like to take them up on any offers for repair or reimbursement if they have made any such offers. While it’s kind for guests to make these offers, it’s not always possible for them to, and a host should not expect it. Remember the best tip to avoid something precious being ruined is to remove it, if possible, from the party before the party begins.
SUPPLIES ARE DEPLEATED - If you find that your food or drink supplies are being consumed more quickly than you anticipated, do your best to mitigate what you can. Switching from a plan of a buffet or family-style meal to plated portions (where you have more control) is one solution. Taking a bit less yourself (and asking other family or very close friends - the type who are basically co-hosts) is another approach. Again, we call this FHB, Family Hold Back.
A GUEST OVER-IMBIBES - When a guest has overdone it on alcohol, or cannabis - for those living in states where cannabis is legalized - it’s important to recognize it and cut off the supply as best you can. Taking away keys if the person drove is another important step. You can always offer them a place to sleep on your couch and while food and water will help, they are not perfect solutions. Time is what you need and making sure this person stays safe until the effects are wearing off is important. Putting them in a cab or rideshare puts the burden on the driver, and doesn’t guarantee your guest’s safety. Setting them up with a comfy place to crash until they are sober again is the best bet.
DISASTER STRIKES - The turkey is frozen, the oven or stovetop breaks, the pipe bursts and it’s a disaster! Even the best-laid plans can be completely thwarted by a true disaster. This is one time where it’s okay as the host to throw your hands up and say, “I give in, this party is not going as planned!” If the location is still usable, grab some take-out menus or see what you have in the pantry that might allow you to create a meal for your guests so they don’t have to leave hungry. If the location is shot for this event, you can take up other guests on any offers of switching to their homes, or you can call around and see if a local restaurant or pub can accommodate your group - this solution is great if you can foot the bill, but if you can’t, it should only be used if guests understand that we’re switching from a hosted event to an organized dinner out where everyone will pay their own way. It’s not ideal - because in truth you invited these folks over and they and you were expecting to take care of making sure they were fed, but especially with close friends, it’s not uncommon either to make this switch. No matter what, be sure to thank your guests for bearing with you through the hassle, or for helping you out of this unfortunate incident.
While it can be stressful to think of all the things that could wrong at your party, know that having reviewed a few from time to time will help you more easily tackle the issues with grace and maybe even some humor if it’s warranted when the time comes. Our fingers are crossed that none of these unexpected moments happen at your next gathering, but if they do we are sure you are going to be prepared. Happy hosting!
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Thank you for spending some of your day with us. What are your top three favorite finger foods? Tell us in the comments! (Free subscribers can post to the Monday comments thread which is open to all.) Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, it’s coming up next!
Ciao for now (Lizzie’s off to eat Neopolitan pizza - “With a fork.” she says, it’s so gooey in the middle!)
Lizzie and Dan
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