Etiquette Today: The Letter

It might seem like it's from a bygone era but the letter still makes an impact today.

Photo by sue hughes on Unsplash

The Handwritten Letter

Hi! Lizzie here, I wanted to take Etiquette Today in a slightly different direction today and share my personal love of letter writing with you before getting to some social letter tips.

The warm soon-to-be-summer air reminds me of childhood summers spent at sleepaway camp here in Vermont. Seven weeks with a gaggle (200+) of other girls doing all kinds of fun activities, learning skills, sharing stories, and being kids. I’m so grateful for those days and for the fact that letter writing (and reading) was such a huge part of them. Those summers away really taught me the value and meaning that letter writing can hold. After lunch, we campers would line up at the “office” and wait to see if we’d received any postcards, letters, or even better a package! First of all, it was a huge thrill to have your own mailbox at camp. Your very own mailbox! Little did I know at the time what magic a mailbox that didn’t get bills or junk was. During the “rest hour” that followed, if you didn’t nap, you were reading letters or writing them.

I loved decorating my stationery with drawings or selecting the one from my set that I was most excited to use that day, or that fit with the person I was writing to, or the story I was telling them about. The one with the image of the tennis rackets for when I completed my first rank in tennis. The canoe for telling a story about taking my tippy test (you have to flip your canoe, swim out from under it, and then paddle your canoe - now filled with water - back to the dock). Or maybe I’d draw little fish and bubbles for a letter to my grandparents who loved to fish. These letters were my only contact with my friends and family from home. No phones. Email wasn’t even a thing.

The feeling of connection was palpable as I’d try so hard to write down everything I wanted to say, while not having too many mistakes. I’d picture my mom, my sister, or my friend Phoebe reading it and wondering what they would say if we were talking instead of writing. They may not have been there physically but when I was lonely and missing them, letter writing made it feel like we were connected. More so than just sharing a story or thinking about them could. Imagining the conversation brought them to life in my mind in a much more vivid way.

I adored getting letters from home too. My mom would tell me who she and my dad had been hanging out with. What my pets were up to, if anything cool happened like a storm taking out a tree, or someone coming to visit. Her beautiful “Sacred Heart” handwriting looped together in perfect cursive. It was my mom, just on a page. By contrast, my father sometimes chose to type a letter and print it so that I could actually read it. While his handwriting is not far off from Emily Post’s (and I do love the way it looks,) for an 8-year-old it was tough to decipher. The typed version usually meant I got more stories from him too. My dad would tell me that he’d been golfing and what he and my mom had been eating, and often would encourage me to break out of my comfort zone and try new things while I had the chance to.

I loved that letter writing was a quiet and almost private way to connect with some friends I was a bit shy with at school. I remember getting addresses at the close of the school year and being so surprised and lifted by some of the friends and schoolmates who wrote back to me over the summer. You kind of expect your best bud and your sister to write back, but kids I didn’t hang out with outside of school even exchanged letters with me and it was fun! One sent an incredible drawing he’d been working on of his hand, for a 12-year-old it was pretty amazing! I hung it on my bunk. Another kid who I didn’t talk to much wrote me a super long letter telling me all about his sisters and what he was doing at hockey camp that summer, where they were going on vacation, and who he got for a teacher the next year. That one, in particular, was memorable because it opened up a whole version of him that I had no idea existed - he was chatty! All from just a letter. I was so surprised and touched that he had not only taken the time to write me back but he put so much into it. It really made an impression.

I don’t write many letters today, but I do remember writing two a little less than 10 years ago to my mom and dad. They were getting ready to head off on a big trip and I was feeling sentimental so I wrote them each a plane letter (at camp this was a heartfelt letter you wrote at the end of the season for your camper friend to take with her on the plane/car/bus/train home.) I told them how much I loved them each and the different ways they influenced me or what I admire about them. Almost a decade later, last summer, the three of us were in the kitchen talking and my mom went and got my letter to her to show me that she keeps it in her bedside table drawer, and my dad chimed in that his was there too. I was so touched that they kept them. I tear up still a year later thinking about it. And knowing they were kept, I’m even more glad that I took the time to write those letters rather than just brushing off the feelings.

It might seem silly, romantic, or old-fashioned but the letters I have sent and received in my life have stayed with me. Maybe because they are a rarer form of communication and thus stand out. Maybe because they are handwritten (well most of them - Dad) and are physical connections to the people who wrote them. Maybe because it’s clear the other person put effort into it. No matter the reason, they are memorable and meaningful and it’s worth taking a moment to think: Maybe I should write a letter, that could be fun!

Social Letters

While not a requirement, it is helpful if your handwriting is as legible as possible. Handwriting your letter is preferable as it is an extension of the person writing. It’s literally their hand which adds a wonderful sense of connection for the reader to the letter and the letter writer. If you’re worried your handwriting is illegible, you could always choose to include a typed copy of the letter along with your handwritten one.

It can be helpful to type your letter out or write it out on scrap paper before you put it on stationery. While it’s okay to cross out a word and write the correct one or make other little edits, the better your grammar and spelling the easier it is for the recipient to read. Use your best judgment based on who you are writing to and the formality of the letter.

The date goes in the upper right-hand corner of the stationery. You can play with how you write it, and its placement a bit if you’d like. The more casual the letter the more you can get creative. For a more formal letter write out the month: June 1, 2023

You always want to begin with a salutation and then address the person. Here are some examples:

Dear Daniel,

Hi Dan,

To Dan,

Good Morning Daniel,

The body of the letter can truly be anything you’d like to share or ask about. While in Emily’s day letter writing was the main form of communication and thus often bad news or frustrating circumstances were shared regularly, today we have phones, we have Zoom, we have cars and subways, and busses that allow for quick connection or even face-to-face meetings if necessary. We have many options other than a handwritten letter to share bad news, today.

It is absolutely fine to tell all about what you’ve been up to in a letter, however, it’s thoughtful to “take a breath” in your writing and ask for the recipient’s thoughts, or how they are doing. In fact, starting off a letter with, “I hope this finds you well,” or “How are you?” are great ways to begin as they immediately acknowledge the person reading the letter. It creates a more conversational tone, rather than just starting right off with what you’ve been up to.

There is nothing silly about asking a question in a letter. You may have to wait a long time for the reply but it is nice when reading a letter to discover a question if anything it creates a great reason to reply promptly! Take note, if you are replying to a letter it’s thoughtful to answer any questions that were asked.

Close your letter by wishing the other person well. If it makes sense to suggest that you’ll see them soon you may certainly do so. Then use a closing and sign your letter. The placement of the closing and signature is often right of center. Not all the way over to the right edge of your stationery, but not left or dead center either. Some people like to line up the date and the closing. And many people indent their name. Think about your personal style and the formality of the letter. It’s okay to use an initial or a nickname with those who call you by either.

All my best to you,

Elizabeth

From,

L.

Love,

Lizzie

We’re going to do a deep dive into letter and note writing soon on the podcast with Heartspoken author, Elizabeth Cottrell. Check out her work here. Keep an eye out for it!

Sample Letter

June 1, 2023

Hi Dan,

I hope you, Puja, and the kids are enjoying a great vacation down on Martha’s Vineyard this week. The weather looks to be amazing for your trip and I know you all love going to the beach so I hope there are lots of sandy tales to tell when you return!

I’d tell you tales from opening up the farm last week but honestly, they can wait -ha!- I’m excited to get back to EPI work this week. We have so many great things we’re getting accomplished right now, it’s been nice to feel so motivated. But even with that motivation, I’m excited for my first round of golf this season! I’m playing with my friend Erin and it’s going to be so awesome to see her and catch up - fingers crossed we don’t get rained out.

I’ve got lots of to-dos for my garden this year. Did you guys end up putting in that border of Sweet William around the edge of the garden in honor of “little bro”? If not, I’m happy to help with that one weekend once you’re back. About half of my perennials this year didn’t make it through the winter so yours truly will be elbows and knees deep in the dirt for the next few weeks. I have to get it all done before Anna, her crew, and I head over to meet our folks in Italy for the 50th anniversary(!!!!!!!!! -yes I really mean all those exclamation marks, because I AM that excited about it.) OMG SO MUCH TO DO! I can’t wait though.

Well, I will be excited to hear about this whole trip once you’re back! I’m off to write the Saturday Sip after this. Wishing you fun times and safe travels!

Cheers!

LP

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Thank you for spending some of your day with us. Are you inspired to write a letter this week? Who did you last receive a social letter from? Tell us in the comments! (Free subscribers can post to the Monday comments thread which is open to all.) Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, it’s coming up next!

Until next time,

Lizzie (and Dan)

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