Etiquette Today: The Best Man
How to be a stellar best man at a wedding.
The Best Man
The best man is really supposed to live up to the title. He is responsible and fun. He knows how to meet his marks - showing up on time, taking care of the wedding ring(s), and generally being a leader of the groomsmen and ushers. He is also often the one who includes or injects some fun into the events and makes sure to have tie-ins to the groom’s life and personality. He’s the number one assistant to the groom throughout the wedding planning and organizes things like the famed bachelor party and coordinating the groomsmen’s gift to the couple if there’s going to be a group gift given by all the groomsmen. He also emotionally supports the groom. It’s a big day, and there can be a lot of nerves. Being there as a friend to support is his main role. The best man also doesn’t have to be a man. Honor attendant is the term used for those who don’t identify as a man but are serving in this position. And, of course, a groom’s child, even if they aren’t 18 yet, can certainly (and often does) serve as the best man/honor attendant. Under these circumstances, many of the best man duties are placed on a trusted adult groomsman, with duties like holding the ring(s) and maybe even offering a toast still being options for a youngster.
Official Duties of The Best Man
The following are the most common duties of the best man. Certainly, adjust as needed based on your personal circumstances. In addition to the duties below, the best man (and all attendants) are expected to pay for their wedding-related attire and travel to the wedding (but not their accommodations). The best man should be prepared to pay for any grooming (shave, haircut, manicure, etc…) that is needed unless the groom has offered to do so.
Organizes the bachelor party for the groom, if there is one.
Coordinates the groomsmen’s gift to the groom (if one is given) or gives an individual gift to the couple.
Makes sure that the groom’s wedding-related payments are prepared, and delivers them to officiants, musicians, and singers after the ceremony.
Sees that the groomsmen and ushers are properly groomed and attired and arrive on time.
Instructs the ushers in the correct seating of guests (if there is no head usher).
Keeps the bride’s wedding ring and hands it to the groom during the ceremony.
Witnesses the signing of the marriage certificate.
Drives the bride and groom to the reception if there’s no hired driver; has a car ready for the couple to leave after the reception and may drive them to their next destination.
Offers the first toast to the bride and groom at the reception; dances with the bride, the couple’s mothers, the maid of honor, the bridesmaids, and single female guests.
Gathers and takes care of the groom’s wedding clothes, returning rental items on the next business day.
Behavior
While many a fun scene (or entire movie) has been made regarding the antics that a groom and his friends can get up to during the bachelor party and even during the wedding, it’s best to remember that this is often one of the most sentimental and meaningful days in a person’s life should they choose to marry. The importance of this event and the people involved (often extended family, friends, and even business associates of the couple) means that respect and consideration must be at the forefront of any best man’s plans. From the pre-wedding get-ready session to the toast and even when dancing, the best man should be supportive, encouraging, and respectful, not embarrassing. When the best man focuses his attention and his attitude positively on the groom and the groom’s goals for the day, he (or she or they) can truly rise to the role and deliver the support that is required and so appreciated on such an important day.
Are you going to be a best man or play another supporting role in someone’s wedding? Tell us about it in the comments. If you can’t post here, please head over to Monday’s Podcast Post, where the comment thread is open to all. You can also check out this week’s podcast. Or consider signing up for a Community Membership to post on this and any Emily Post article.
SIGNED COPIES OF OUR LATEST BOOK AND TRIVIA GAME are available from our local partner, Bridgeside Books. They can also secure copies of our excellent wedding book, Emily Post’s Weddings, 6th edition, which makes for an excellent reference whether you’re participating in a wedding or attending as a guest. Check out the Emily Post Collection there; there are so many options for great gifts!
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We’ll explore some more wedding roles and the tasks associated with them in upcoming Etiquette Today articles. Have you listened to this week’s podcast episode? Check it out here. There’s a great question about whether or not it’s okay to mention that someone looks tired. Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip with its Emily Post recipe; it’s coming up next!
Until then,
Lizzie and Dan
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I was the best man in my brother’s wedding. While I don’t wish he had waited to get married, I wish I was a little older to have the knowledge and etiquette skills I have now