Etiquette Today: Tablets & Phones
How to bring etiquette into play and stay polite while using digital devices.
Etiquette of Digital Devices
As we all get excited about new tech - which is really exciting! - it's a good idea to take a beat and think about how to use digital devices best so that they don’t negatively impact our relationships with others - even if those others are strangers we only cross paths with for a moment. Whether the device is that familiar phone, the latest tablet or watch, or a cutting-edge headset, it’s important for us all to think about and ask how the technology we use affects the quality of the very important interactions happening in person all around us. The answers to these questions will vary from person to person and from place to place. Still, the very act of considering them brings awareness that the use of technology could be problematic and reduces the risk of unintentional bad behavior.
FIRST THINGS FIRST
There is an overarching consideration that applies to all devices that is worth considering each and every time you choose to use a device around others: Will the sound coming from the device disturb others? The answer is almost always a yes. Whether it’s Animal Crossing, the latest celebrity memoir, or a conversation with a friend or coworker, when it’s coming out of the speaker on a device, it’s going to be irritating and disruptive to the environment you and others are sharing. The distortion from the device speaker adds to the disruptive nature, and it can be harder for others to ignore than if you were talking to someone in person and were being overheard. Think of being at a restaurant or the grocery store; you can ignore the dad negotiating with his kid about the box of Coco Pebbles, and you can ignore the conversation at the table next to you where a woman is detailing her day to her friend. But take those same conversations and put them through a speakerphone, and they are grating and hard to ignore. Do not use the speaker of your device in public settings. The big exceptions are when you cannot see (whether you are fully or partially blind/visually impaired) and use the external audio features to navigate life. Or if you are outdoors and choose not to use headphones for safety reasons. In these cases, your volume should be low enough that someone would have to get close to you to hear whatever is coming from your device.
Let’s look at some questions to ask yourself—even as you switch between devices throughout the day—to help keep our phones, watches, tablets, and other digital devices in our control and not bothering or disturbing others.
Take Control
Okay, so technically, we have two tips that apply very broadly. The second tip is that you can always control your device. It may feel like that call or notification has to be addressed immediately. It’s Pavlovian. We’ve literally been conditioned with any call or notification that comes in, acting as positive reinforcement. Even if the content ends up being negative, the fact that someone was trying to reach us is enough of a positive stimulus that the notification alone acts as a positive reinforcement to engage. We can’t help the urge, but we can control it and know that it’s best for us and those around us if we think first, and either send someone to voicemail or ignore a notification. Learning to break the habit of responding automatically is the first step to taking control of technology and using it the way we want to.
Let’s consider some questions to help us be our best with our digital devices.
Time and Place
Are you in a restaurant, theater, concert venue, or other public place where the atmosphere and environment matter to those around you? Or where people may have paid for an experience? These are key moments to ensure your devices will not disturb the environment. Change notifications and alerts to silent, or shut your phone off before you even enter these spaces.
Are you out and about in a general public setting like a store? It’s fine to be on your phone as you run errands, but remember: no speakerphone, and double check the content of your conversation. Last weekend’s late-night escapades might not be the most polite conversation to expose your fellow shoppers to - this is true even if you’ve got headphones in or the receiver to your ear - half of that conversation can still be heard. It can even be harder for others to ignore because people naturally try to fill in the portion we cannot hear.
It is also worth double-checking your time and place anytime you’re taking a work call while out and about. Or how about at a dinner party? It’s unlikely to be the right time to take that call - unless there are already established extenuating circumstances that warrant it, in which case ‘polite you’ would certainly give a heads-up to the host so that the call isn’t as disruptive.
While no one loves taking a work call on personal time, the same is true in the other direction: Is the workplace appropriate for taking a personal call? While more and more workplaces are tolerant of this type of call, it’s still smart to think twice about the impact it could have on others beforehand.
Others Present
Certainly, we want to consider others who might overhear a call or the use of a device and whether it will bother them, but what about when your location might bother the person on the other end of a call? The roar of the crowd, the loudspeaker announcements in the terminal, or the flushing of a toilet? All of these might be places where we think oh, it’s fine, I can take a call here, but in actuality, these things could make the call unpleasant or even pointless for the person on the other end.
It’s not just phone calls, either. While a text might be silent, if it takes five minutes to craft, your attention is definitely not on the people around you. You might not think it should be if you’re just going about your day, but when you’re holding up the line or ignoring the clerk at the register, you’re being rude because your focus is on your device and not the environment you’re physically in.
Let’s complicate matters with video calls: what will the viewer see? Does the location make sense for the purpose of your call? Can you even be on screen now? If not, maybe switch to just a phone call. Though we loathe having to say it, are you fully dressed? Dropped phones and tablets have certainly proved that we don’t all wear pants all the time. Thinking first would have saved a number of folks from some very embarrassing or difficult situations.
Impression and Perception
We’ve hammered home the point that your use of devices can negatively impact those around you if you don’t think first about the situation and those present. But what about the impression it creates or the perception others could have of you if you are someone who puts devices before people?
If you are perceived as disrespectful, it can be as damaging to a relationship as actually disrespecting someone directly. Be clear with the people around you about how you use your device so they don't assume the worst. For example, if you use your tablet to take notes at a meeting, it might be a good idea to let your boss know so they don’t assume you’re distracted by the device. If you are leaving your phone on during a date because you can get fired for missing an important email, it’s good to explain this at the beginning of the evening or even ask if it is still a good idea to go out. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Are You in Control?
It’s one of the two big rules because it’s so easy for us to lose control and lose a sense of where the boundary lines are with our devices. Any behavior can become habitual and start to escape notice. Our brains and bodies are incredibly efficient, and as they seek to do their jobs as best they can, they aren’t thinking of politeness. We have to be the ones to stop and think first. We have to be the ones to ask ourselves, how is my behavior with this device impacting my relationships with others or the impressions I’m creating, whether with those who love me unconditionally or with strangers in my community? It's up to you to actively manage your device. Be aware of your situation and keep your etiquette radar up.
Takeaway tip:
Practice taking a breath and noticing the people around you before responding to a call, text, or alert. Adding a second or two to your response time is a small price to pay to cultivate awareness of and empathy for others. The simple act of bringing your attention to the moment and your current surroundings before using a device around others is a skill that will pay benefits and reap rewards both for you and for those you spend time with.
We’d love to hear about your personal tactics for using your devices politely around others. Tell us about it in the comments. If you can’t post here, please head over to Monday’s Podcast Post, where the comment thread is open to all, and you can check out this week’s podcast. Or consider signing up for a Community Membership to post on any Emily Post article.
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