Etiquette Today: Small Talk Topics to Avoid
Seemingly safe small talk can get dicey when certain topics are broached, learn what to avoid when you're engaged in casual conversation whether with a friend or a stranger.
4 Small-Talk Topics to Avoid
Most of us engage in a lot of small talk regularly, at home, at work, on our commutes, attending events, and while traveling. These are light-touch conversations, and the topics we gravitate towards are (usually) topics that won’t get too personal. They are things we can comment on easily without divulging too much, or without having studied the topic. Common experiences, (the atmosphere of the place you’re in, the food, the entertainment) the weather - which Emily quips might have been invented purely for us to have something to discuss - pop culture or entertainment like books, movies, TV and radio shows, and podcasts. These topics don’t require our religious beliefs, political alignment, or traditions to be exposed or explored. These are important things to talk about but are better saved for times, places, and people with whom we are prepared or willing to discuss them.
Emily Post often described conversation like going fishing, you toss out a line with a little bait and see if the other party takes it. If they do, great! If not, you might cast again. While small talk is often about keeping things light, there are a number of topics that have crept into American small talk that really don’t belong in the small-talk category.
Here are four common topics that we suggest folks avoid asking about. These topics are often fine to share from a personal perspective, but asking others about them, can cause issues and discomfort.
What do you do? While a more common question here in America than abroad, “What do you do?” is losing popularity as there are plenty of people who do not want to talk about work when they are socializing, there are also those who do not work, and those who simply do not want to discuss work, and some who cannot discuss it. Long story short: this one isn’t the best to ask. From an etiquette standpoint, it’s akin to asking “How do you make your money?” which is definitely not considered polite.
Are you married/divorced/dating? People’s relationship status really isn’t your business. If someone is married, divorced, or dating, allow them to bring it up in conversation. If you’re maybe wondering if this person is available to be asked on a date, simply asking them on said date will get you your answer without prying first. The worst version of this is when the question asker doesn’t even ask but assumes one of the three, for example, “You must be married.” Emily Post might suggest a reply of “Oh, must I be?”
Do you have children? Much like number 2, asking or assuming that someone has children seems innocent but could set off an emotional roller coaster for the person you’re asking. Whether because they have kids and are stressed or want a break from parent life for a couple of hours, or because they are trying and not finding the path easy, or because they lost a child, or because they don’t have kids but want them, or because they never wanted kids and get frustrated with the assumption that all adults do.
Where are you from? Letting this information emerge naturally, or even be shared without a prompt by someone is fine. For example, when speaking with someone for a bit, their sharing of something about their childhood, could lead to the question, “...and where did you grow up?” Which would be fine. But asking outright, “Where are you from?” (especially if there is an obvious difference in your appearances or how you talk) or if said as a comparative “Well, I was born and raised here, where are you from?” carries a subtext of I belong here, and it doesn’t look like you do, so you must not be from here. This is to be avoided.
None of these topics are bad topics, but allowing others to present the information, rather than you asking for it, will make a great deal of difference as to how others engage with and enjoy small talk conversations with you.
Happy chatting!
Keep an eye out for The Saturday Sip for your weekend etiquette inspiration with its etiquette tip, recipe from the 1951 Emily Post Cookbook, and Emily Post quote.
Until then!