Good Small Talk
Small talk consists of easy, lightweight conversations that nearly anyone could participate in without getting too personal. Now, that’s not to say people can’t be passionate or opinionated about small talk topics (just ask Daniel Post Senning about Patriots football and see what happens!). But these are often considered safe topics that won’t immediately cause offense, or require the other person to delve into deep ideological or personal territory. Good small talk topics include: the weather, shared experiences or environments, food and drink (but not diet, weight, or food restrictions), music, podcasts and other forms of entertainment, pop culture, sports, and current events that are not political or religious in nature. These are just a few to lean into, and each one won’t necessarily be a winner. Emily Post often described conversation as going fishing: you toss out a line with a little bait (a small-talk subject) and see if the other party takes it. If they do, great! If not, you might cast again.
Now let’s look at what to avoid when it comes to small talk.
4 Small-Talk Questions to Avoid
Here are four common conversation topics that we suggest folks avoid asking about when keeping it light. These topics are often fine to share from a personal perspective, but asking others about them can cause discomfort - which is not the goal of casual conversation.
What do you do? While a more common question here in America than abroad, “What do you do?” is losing popularity, as there are plenty of people who do not want to talk about work when they are socializing. There are also those who do not work, and some who cannot discuss their work. Long story short: this one isn’t the best to ask. From an etiquette standpoint, it’s akin to asking “How do you make your money?” which is definitely not considered polite.
Are you married/divorced/dating? People’s relationship status really isn’t your business. If someone is married, divorced, or dating, allow them to bring it up in conversation. If you’re maybe wondering if this person is available to be asked on a date, simply asking them on said date will get you your answer without prying first. The worst version of this is when the question asker doesn’t even ask but assumes one of the three, for example, “You must be married.” Emily Post might suggest a reply of “Oh, must I be?”
Do you have children? Much like number 2, asking or assuming that someone has children seems innocent but could set off an emotional roller coaster for the person you’re asking. Whether because they have kids and are stressed or want a break from parent life for a couple of hours, or because they are trying and not finding the path easy, or because they lost a child, or because they don’t have kids but want them, or because they never wanted kids and get frustrated with the assumption that all adults do. It’s too much of a gamble to lead with; instead, let someone bring it up on their own. It allows you a more natural and courteous lead-in to the topic.
Where are you from? Letting this information emerge naturally, or even be shared without a prompt by someone, is fine. For example, when you’re speaking with someone for a bit, and they share something about their childhood, it could lead to the question, “Oh, and where did you grow up?” Which would be fine. But asking outright, “Where are you from?” (especially if there is an obvious difference in your appearances or how you talk) or if said as a comparative “Well, I was born and raised here; where are you from?” carries a subtext of I belong here, and it doesn’t look like you do, so you must not be from here. This is to be avoided at all costs.
None of these topics are necessarily bad things to talk about, but allowing others to present the information, rather than asking for it yourself, will make a great deal of difference in how others engage with and enjoy small talk with you.
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There is still time to sign up for our fall in-person business etiquette trainer training! The room block at Hotel Vermont, our training site, is still available for the best rates to stay in Vermont the last week of September while you get licensed to teach Emily Post Business Etiquette. You’ll join Dan and Lizzie for an amazing week of learning, discussion, and great food in a gorgeous setting. Become the voice of Emily Post in your community or organization by signing up today!
We hope you enjoyed today’s article. If you haven’t heard our new Emily Post Wedding Stories podcast yet, check it out! It’s an easy, enjoyable storytelling experience!
Keep an eye out for The Saturday Sip for your weekend etiquette inspiration with its etiquette tip, recipe from the 1951 Emily Post Cookbook, and Emily Post quote.
All our best,
Lizzie and Dan