Etiquette Today: Holiday Party Guest Etiquette
With Holiday Festivities beginning let's brush up on our good party guest etiquette!
Holiday Party Guest Etiquette
‘Tis the season to be merry and bright, and nothing says fun at the holidays like a holiday party. Gathering with friends for a festive occasion is a joy this time of year. And one many of us look forward to. Whether it’s an annual tradition or a new event, we thought now would be the perfect time to brush up on party manners to be the best guest possible this holiday season.
RSVP Right
The right way to RSVP is pretty simple: do it. Letting your host know if you are going to attend their party is not only the first considerate step toward being a good guest, but it’s one of the most important. Your host can’t plan for you to be there (or count on you not coming) if you don’t let them know your decision. Being invited to something, whether a party, a dinner, or even just an afternoon of cocoa and a catch-up, is nice. It’s thoughtful for others to want to include us in their plans, desire to spend time with us and try to do so. So, in turn, it's important to RSVP as soon as possible to nurture our relationships and be considerate about the thoughtful invitation we just received — regardless of whether we accept or decline this invitation. Doing so allows your host to prepare and plan and often gives them less anxiety than not hearing anything at all.
If you leave your host hanging by not responding, they have to assume that you are coming, just in case you do. When we think about being considerate, respectful, and honest with people in our lives, leaving someone hanging on an invitation does not seem to align with those three principles. Even if you feel bad that you will decline, get your answer to your host as soon as possible so they can plan accurately.
Participate Well
Bringing your best guest self is important if you decide to attend a holiday party this year (or 5!). Once you’ve committed, it should only be an emergency that interrupts your attendance. Emergencies aside, participating well depends a bit on the type of party being hosted. You likely won’t behave the same way at a formal holiday dinner party as you would at your friend’s ugly-Christmas-sweater-giant-holiday-bonanza. However, to both parties, after having RSVPd (if it was requested), you’ll want to hit the following marks:
Show Up on Time
This one is often self-explanatory, yet hosts write in each year about how to handle late guests and the frustrations it causes them. Clearly, being late has not found its place among practicality and good spirits in the list of “party guest do’s.”
From an etiquette standpoint, being late can cause the impression that you don’t respect the event or the event's host enough to ensure you show up on time. It can signal that you are either too disorganized to get out the door (and account for any potential traffic) or don’t care enough to make the effort. Often not messages we want or intend to be sending.
Now, all that said, there are many reasons why someone might show up late that have NOTHING to do with disrespect or disorganization. Unlike the Gilded Age, Emily Post’s childhood era, we live in the age of not only the smartphone with its text and messaging capabilities but for almost a century, we’ve lived in the age of the telephone, which is a wonderful way to get a hold of someone if you need to let them know you are running late and cannot text for whatever reason. If you know you will be late, contact your host to let them know. It’s the considerate thing to do, and it will help them navigate the flow of the party as they balance guest arrivals with refreshments and entertainment.
Bring or Wear What You’ve Been Asked To
You’ll be invited to plenty of parties where you aren’t asked to bring a thing, and there’s no mention of attire — leaving you to figure it out from the invitation style and details about when and where the gathering is happening. There are other times when you’ll be asked to bring a dish, or maybe a gift for a swap, or even a game or object if the host has something planned. Do it.
If you’ve said yes to a party invitation that includes bringing or wearing something specific, one of the best ways - the coolest ways - to honor the invitation is by wearing or bringing that specific item. Ugly Christmas sweater party? Wear the ugliest one you can find; borrow if you need to. Asked to bring soft drinks to the party? Ask for a few suggestions, and don’t forget to get them ahead of time or leave enough time to pick them up on your way to the party.
If your host has suggested something to bring, it’s best to stick to it rather than make a substitution without asking. It’s one thing if you’ve been asked to bring something and you can’t get your hands on it, or they have this flavor but not that. In that case, call or text your host to see if you can get a substitution suggestion in the moment. If you can’t get a hold of them. Go with your best guess. However, you shouldn’t substitute on a whim without speaking to your host when the option they’ve requested is available. For example, if your host asks you to bring a salad for the party, it’s best to show up with a salad, not a lasagna or a dessert.
While a host should always welcome an unexpected guest in and make room for them at the party as if they’d always been invited, it’s important to note that as a guest, showing up with extra guests who were not invited is not considerate. Your host has made plans and spent time, money, and effort coordinating everything, and while some parties and hosts are going to easily accommodate such a surprise, as a guest, it’s not polite to put your host in a position of having to do so. The more formal and structured the gathering, the more awkward it can be to accommodate an extra. When in doubt, call ahead of time and explain the situation to your host and allow the host to extend the invitation.
Do you have to bring a hosting gift to a holiday party? No. A hosting gift is optional. However, the holidays tend to be a time of year when even friends who don’t give them regularly throughout the year choose to do so during the holidays. It’s really up to you, your own style as a guest, and in some cases, the customs of the region or social circle you belong to.
Eat, Drink, and Be Merry
The majority of hosts throw parties so that they can enjoy some fun, entertaining and engaging time with their friends and families. As a guest, the goal is to engage with and enjoy all that your host has set out for you. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to drink egg nog if you don’t like egg nog, but there should be enough variety at the party for you to sample, join in, and enjoy.
Let yourself experience all there is to at this party. Talk with the other guests and engage in an activity if there are some. If you’re feeling a little shy or maybe are new to this group and don’t know everyone there, party games and activities can be a great way to break the ice. Dan’s sister-in-law once threw a holiday party that Lizzie still remembers because there was a cookie decorating station that was a huge hit — and this was an all-adults party. The activity allowed Lizzie (a new face to the group of friends attending) to meet people without awkwardly including herself in small group conversations.
Remember the three tiers of conversation, and you’ll go into an event ready to chit-chat with folks about tier-one topics like sports, holiday plans, pop culture, and entertainment like books, podcasts, and shows or movies you like. The shared experience or atmosphere is also a great conversation starter at a holiday party. This is a time to mingle, say hi, and get to know someone new. Go for it! You’ll be the guest everyone was glad to cross paths with simply by having a bit of cheer in your spirit and a willingness to participate.
Say Thank You
You didn’t think we’d end an Emily Post etiquette party advice piece without talking about saying thank you, did you? Saying thank you to both the other guests you had a good time with and, most importantly, to the host as you say your goodbyes is the final touch that caps a wonderful holiday party. And it’s the final act of a good guest. Be sure to seek your host out, even if you’re attending a big open-house-style party, to say goodbye and thank you. “Ellie, this has been such a great time. Thank you so much for throwing this party; you are an amazing host. Have a good rest of the night, and thank you again!”
Should you find yourself thinking about that great party in the days after, it’s always a good guest move to write a thank-you note and send it to the host. Texts and calls work great, too, but imagine your host’s delight to see that you took the time to reflect and write about their gathering and how great it made you feel.
Whatever parties you attend this holiday season, we hope that you and your friends and family have a wonderful and safe time celebrating.
SIGNED COPIES ARE AVAILABLE Emily Post’s Etiquette - The Centennial Edition is available this holiday season, and they make an excellent gift for friends and family! Order your copy(ies) today from Bridgeside Books - our local, woman-owned business partner for all our signed books!
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Thank you for spending some of your day with us. Are there any holiday parties you’re looking forward to this season? Community Members, leave your thoughts in the comments below. Free subscribers, remember the Monday post has a comment thread open to all, so please share your comments there!
Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip; it’s coming up next!
Until then,
Lizzie and Dan
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