Etiquette Today: Holding A Chair
Get a jump on next week's etiquette challenge by reading up on the courtesy of holding a chair for someone.
Holding A Chair
This week’s Etiquette Today article is in preparation for next week’s Awesome Etiquette podcast Weekly Etiquette Challenge [SPOILER ALERT] to hold a chair for someone.
If you are going to hold a chair for someone, ask first: “May I hold your chair?” or “May I get your chair for you?” Saying, “Here, let me get that for you,” assumes the other person wants their chair held, which they might not. Ask the question rather than state the action. Holding a chair for a dining companion is something that, while traditionally discussed as men helping women, does not need to be. A teen might hold her grandmother’s chair. A young man might help a younger sibling. When done well, holding a chair for a romantic partner, to assist someone, or simply out of respect, is thoughtful.
To hold a chair, stand (if you aren’t already) as the person approaches. Before they take hold of the chair, ask, “May I hold your chair?” (It’s always “May I,” not “Can I” or “Let me.”) If they say, “Yes, please,” stand to the left of their chair or behind it, and pull the chair back from the table about a foot (or more, if needed), allowing the person to get in front of their chair. As they sit, gently push the chair in behind them. Don’t ram them at the knee, and definitely don’t move too slowly; they might sit too quickly and catch the edge of the seat or, worse, fall. It sounds fraught, but it’s quite easy and happens naturally in the moment.
Should the person say, “No, I’ll get it, thank you,” simply smile, give a nod, and sit back down. It may feel like a rejection, but it’s actually a sign of success. You did the right thing by asking. Even though the question was met with a “no,” you achieved what you’d hoped: finding out what the other person preferred in the moment. That is the respectful thing when it comes to acts of chivalry.
Today, a point to remember regarding any chivalrous act is that the gesture is intended to be both helpful and to show respect and awareness of another person. By offering to do something for someone, you leave them in control while at the same time honoring your desire to help. It’s disrespectful not to honor someone’s wishes when a chivalrous gesture is declined. If the act is unwelcome, then doing it would be offensive, which is definitely not the goal of good etiquette.
Our gestures of respect might be different today from those of prior times, but they are still rooted in consideration for those around us and demonstrating respect.
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Thank you for spending a bit of your Thursday with us. We’d love to hear about the traditional courtesies that you enjoy doing for others. Let us know in the comments below!
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All our best,
Lizzie and Dan
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