Etiquette Today: Establishing Table Manners
Lots of families today operate on the go with busy schedules, making it hard for meal time to be meaningful. Here are some tips for cultivating table manners even during busy times.
Establishing Table Manners
It would be easy, as an organization that promotes American etiquette, to say that table manners matter and that sitting down for a meal with others is a key element in life. We are more than happy to hail the benefits of sharing food with others, engaging in conversation while doing it, and reaping the rewards of both nourishment for the body and for the mind, heart, and soul. But the reality is not all Americans live lives that make it easy to get their family to a table once a week, let alone once a day. Whether it’s adults with demanding jobs, or kids with demanding afterschool activities table time is quickly turned into “eat on the go” time. And sometimes it’s not until one of those big family meals when your kid trucks off to the coffee table instead of the dinner table, or chews loudly with their mouth wide open that we realize the impact and importance of meals together at the table.
Not all families live in houses with dining rooms, and some don’t live in houses with a table to share a meal at. We are happy to share that this does not matter so much when it comes to establishing good table manners at home (or when you’re on the go.) That’s right. The table - while nice, and lovely - isn’t the point. Instead, we have three goals for you to try to achieve with your youngsters to help establish mealtime time manners:
1. Gather together.
Whether you’re feeding your kids a couple hours before you’re going to eat, or you’re eating on the go, being with your kids during mealtime is really helpful to establishing norms around eating, togetherness, and conversation. Sure there may be some nights when it’s harder to do so but aim for 5 or more meals (doesn’t have to be dinner) a week where whether or not you’re eating too, you are seated with your kid(s) while they eat and you talk with them. (More on conversation in tip 3!)
2. Pay attention to how we eat when we are with others, (so that we don’t gross them out.)
One of our biggest goals when it comes to table manners is to make dining with others a pleasant experience. This means not grossing others out, and unfortunately, eating can be kind of gross. You’re mashing up food, getting it mixed with saliva, and (hopefully) swallowing without choking on anything. There’s a lot going on to be adding “pleasant conversation” to the mix. Tackling one or two manners at a time can be a great way to keep the focus on manners but the pressure at bay.
Imagine little five-year-old you being told to: put your napkin in your lap, wait to begin eating hold your utensils correctly, stack one bite at a time on your fork, don’t use your fingers, get your food from the plate to your mouth without dropping it or bringing your mouth down to your plate, talk with others, but not with food in your mouth. It’s overwhelming and it’s easy to understand why kids tune out or go silent when we try to practice too many table manners at once.
Picking one or two things to focus on at a time is a great way to build up table manners cumulatively. Once your kids are fairly good about the ones you’re focused on you can move on to adding others, until all the manners are familiar.
Here is a list of common table manners to focus on:
Washing hands before coming to the table
Taking a seat
Putting your napkin (even if it’s just a paper one or paper towel) on your lap
Waiting until everyone is ready to begin
Holding utensils correctly
Using utensils correctly
Gathering a bite-sized portion with your fork or spoon
Chewing with your mouth closed
Taking small sips from your cup
Swallowing before taking another bite, or sip.
Using your napkin to clean your face
Talking with others during the meal
Not talking with food in your mouth
Setting utensils in the “finished” position
Asking to be excused from the meal
3. Participate well in conversation during the meal.
Eating with others and participating in conversation during a meal separates our meal time from being about refueling to being about a shared, communal experience. Dining alone can certainly be nice, but as we are developing skills to help us function well in the world, having the confidence to participate in conversation during a meal is a great skill to cultivate and no one is too young! Even babies. We have long recommended that when a baby is ready for a nursing session (breast or bottle whichever is right for you and your baby) parents put down their phones and talk with their infant during the meal, even if it’s just soft cooing.
Not every question you ask is going to get a long answer, or sometimes even an answer at all, but consistently presenting and engaging in conversation at the table with your child(ren) will help to establish that it’s normal to talk while we eat.
For toddlers and pre-schoolers you might try questions that are easy to answer and then have a follow-up ready: “Did you have art class at school today?” “Yes.” “And in art class did you get to use the markers or the paints today.” “Both!” “And what did you draw and paint.” “Our house.” The answers may be short but it’s definitely a conversation and there will be moments especially as they get older when your child will break out with a whole sentence or entire story and it truly can feel magical.
Remember here that while your kids might talk your ear off while you’re on a walk or driving them to school, mastering talking while dining with others is tough because of the distraction of the food. Short answers might feel like you’re pulling teeth to have a conversation, but stick with it because they are the building blocks to full-blown conversation at the table.
For older kids, it’s a bit easier to get them to talk at the table, but for six-year-olds and up, the challenge becomes getting them to focus on all the things happening at once at the table. Conversations and stories being told at the table are often dotted with manners moments where you remind your child to wipe their mouth, finish chewing and swallowing before they talk, or wait until someone else is finished before starting a story or asking a question. It can make you feel like a nag, but by keeping your tone friendly and gentle during the reminders and by making sure you intently listen to what it is your child has to say, you’ll be able to keep the experience pleasant for all.
For tweens and teens who have mastered the manners, the goal might become to really focus on the conversation. At the table, we try hard to keep conversation pleasant so that everyone has the opportunity to fully nourish themselves. Upsetting news and certainly gross tales can cause others to not be able to eat and this is the last thing we want someone dining with us to feel. While upsetting news and difficult discussions should have their place in our lives, let’s give them the space, time, and attention they deserve by not getting into them while we eat.
No table? No problem!
In The Car, you can still ask kids to place napkins on laps, chew with their mouths closed, and participate in conversation.
At Home Without A Dinner Table, you can still use a coffee table and place out utensils, napkins, and glasses to “set places” around the table. And if you’re eating on laps, or napkins, not grossing others out, and using your utensils well can all still be great goals to focus on.
Turn Off The TV
Many of us happily eat while we watch a show or movie and sometimes this can even be a bonding experience rather than something that isolates diners from one another. Even with it being enjoyable for most of us, we do recommend that you regularly turn off devices while you dine, especially when you’re establishing table manners with kids. The focus and attention that will get paid without the T.V. or other devices being on will be well worth the effort.
Do you have things you remember from childhood, or that you used to help teach your children table manners? What would you recommend to parents and kids today to help them establish good dining habits? Tell us in the comments and remember if you’re not already a paid subscriber, you can post your thoughts in Monday’s podcast comments. We’d love to hear from you!
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Thank you for spending some of your day with us. We hope you’ve enjoyed this article on establishing table manners with kids. Tell us your thoughts in the comments! Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, it’s coming up next!
Until then,
Lizzie and Dan
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An interesting detail: I once saw an old (circa 1950s) instructional video on table etiquette for elementary-aged school children. An important part of this video was that children not only wash their hands before a meal, but comb their hair! I've taken this up in my day-to-day life. I slick back my hair with heavy pomade like a 1980s stockbroker, but before every major meal, I go to the restroom to make sure my hair is in-place and neat along with washing my hands. At home, I use a cloth napkin and try to follow etiquette as best as I can. I recently ordered some new china that I plan on using as my everyday dinnerware. Thank you for the fun read!