Etiquette Today: Engagement Etiquette
This week we'll take a look at engagement etiquette from announcing the news to throwing a party and asking attendants to be in your wedding party.
Engagement Etiquette
Engagements are an obvious cause for celebration! From printed invitations and cocktail parties, to backyard barbecues and last-minute phone calls to meet at the pub down the street, engagement parties are a couple’s first chance to flex their party planning muscles and get used to the wedding party ride they are about to embark on as they make their way to “I do.” The engagement party is often about spending time with very close family and friends who you know will be invited to the wedding. At the same time, this doesn’t always mean a small intimate affair. Think about what makes sense for you as a couple and remember this is the earliest of events during your engagement, there is still so much to come!
Step #1: Announce Your Good News
It’s easy to get excited after having said (or heard) a “Yes!” and go straight to social media, but hold those thumbs, my friend. First, get in touch with those in your innermost circle and that means starting with any children you or your partner have. It may be a good idea to tell the kids without your future spouse in the room so they can have a chance to react privately with you first. People typically start with parents and siblings. It might be a good idea to ask them to keep it to themselves for a few days as you spread the news. This is your news to share. Next up are grandparents and best friends, usually followed by aunts, uncles, cousins, godparents, and anyone else especially close to you. From there, word of mouth may get to others before you do, and of course, at this point (release the thumbs!) social media is often a good idea if you participate on it.
Step #2: Throw An Engagement Party!
Parents of the bride were traditionally offered the option to throw a party first. Followed by the groom’s parents. Today, it’s more about giving parents (or parental figures) the chance to host. The couple may also host this party themselves (gifts are not obligatory so it isn’t awkward in that regard.) It’s not uncommon for couples to end up hosting parties on visits to their hometowns, and to also host one for family and friends where they live. When life is more localized, one-large party might be the best solution.
TIMING Typically this party is held closer to the engagement than to the wedding - even if the engagement is only a month or two long! Pick a date and time that your guests are likely to be able to accommodate.
GUEST LIST: Typically you invite your nearest and dearest, the folks who are 100% going to be invited to the wedding. But if you’re family lives far away you might do a local party and invites friends. Just be sure to only invite people who will get a wedding invitation. You can always invite more people to the wedding, but it’s awkward to ask someone to celebrate your engagement and then not invite them to the wedding.
INVITATIONS Invitations should match the formality of the party. A formal dinner maybe even with dancing? Use printed (or use a calligrapher) and mail the invitations. Casual backyard cookout? A phone call, email, digital invite. Meeting up at the pub? A text will likely be fine (though you could dress the text up with an Emily Post HiNote invitation.) Invitations are usually sent two to four weeks in advance, but this will vary depending on your timeline.
Step #3: Have a great time
Engagement parties no matter the style are the first in a series of celebrations across the engagement timeline. Enjoy it. Enjoy the excitement and the many congratulations that are going to come your way (and yes, today it IS okay to say “Congratulations!” to a bride even though it used to be considered inappropriate.) Throw a party that fits your style: A clambake, a catered dinner, a casual brunch, or even a picnic in the park are all completely acceptable settings for an engagement party — you simply need to choose whichever type of celebration you’d most enjoy. If you are hosting for a couple, be sure to get their input so that you can ensure they are celebrating in a way that makes them comfortable.
During the party there is often a toast given by the father of the bride, or one of the fathers of the couple. Though honestly anyone close to the couple could be asked to do this. Guests may or may not bring presents, depending on local customs. As a guest, if you’re unsure, check with your host rather than worry, as it can be different even within regions and even between social groups. There is no registry for this party, if guests want suggestions here are a few that range from practical to classic to sentimental to sweet:
Two champagne flutes and a bottle of champagne,
Emily Post Etiquette - The Centennial Edition, Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette 6th edition, Emily Post Thank-You Note Smart List
Silver, glass, or wood picture frame with the initials or engagement date of the couple
Two silver forks to eat their cake with at the wedding.
Step #4: Broad Strokes Planning
It’s not a bad idea to get some broad strokes planning ideas into place throughout the early stages of the engagement. You’re likely to get asked a lot of questions and while you can certainly say things like, “Oh we’re still weighing out options.” it’s also fun to get to talk with others about their ideas so long as you remember that it’s perfectly fine to listen and not commit. This one piece of advice can take so much stress out of the planning process. Friends, family, and even some coworkers will likely be excited to talk details and reminisce about their own weddings or favorite weddings they’ve been to, allowing this to be a dreamy space rather than a pressurized space of expectation can greatly improve your engagement period experience. See if you can nail down some basics like a year, season, color scheme, or even just a venue idea (as basic as indoors or out, can create a whole conversation without you needing to provide much more detail.)
Step #5: Asking Attendants
Once you’ve got some basics in place like the date, location, and formality level of the wedding you can ask your any attendants you’d plan on having to be in your wedding party. Having the previously listed details in place will give your attendants something real to respond to. Most people who fall in the category of closest friend or family member are going to WANT to say yes to supporting you throughout your engagement and on your big day in such a close and important way. But, whether or not they will, depends greatly upon knowing if they can make the commitment. It’s all well and good for a friend to say yes out of excitement to the general idea, but if the details aren’t set, and the wedding falls on the day of the corporate retreat that this friend has been planning for two years and is speaking at, they’d likely have to go back on the commitment to the wedding. This can cause a mess of feelings and logistical frustrations that are better simply avoided.
When you ask your friends be sure to give them the option of an out, and offer for them to respond at a later date (essentially give them RSVP by date) so they can take the time to think about it. As the fiancé(e) doing the asking, be sure to give a rough estimate of what is to be expected of the attendants so that they can think about the finances involved as well as their schedule. Be understanding of anyone who is unable to make the commitment and see if there isn’t something special like a reading or a toast that they might participate in instead.
Take Away
Whether your engagement is long or short, joyously celebrated, or quietly enjoyed, we hope you take delight in this special time in your life and in your relationship as a couple. Think carefully, take your time when you can, and remember to cherish the moments along the way.
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That’s it for today, thank you for spending some time with us at Emily Post! For those of you who might be celebrating an engagement we wish you the heartiest of congratulations! Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, it’s coming up next.
Until then!
Lizzie and Dan