Etiquette Today: Cultivating Kindness
What does it look and sound like to cultivate kindness into your daily life?
Cultivating Kindness
The word kindness and even the message to “be kind” seem to be everywhere these days. There’s been a rise in the general call for kindness especially after the difficult times of the pandemic and living in a deeply divided country. But how can you “be kinder?” outside of doing things like giving gifts or doing favors, complimenting people, and offering help? Below are some methods you can implement into your daily conversations and actions that can help you cultivate kindness in your everyday life.
Trade You for I
When we’re communicating with others, especially when we have issues to work through, using I language instead of you language can make a big difference to the tone of the conversation. “You don’t listen.” which is accusatory - even if it’s true! - and focuses on the problem can become, “I don’t feel heard.” which is a personal perspective that focuses on the (often unintentional) result. “You don’t listen.” could make the person who it’s being said to feel defensive and misunderstood. Whereas saying “I don’t feel heard.” is more likely to be recognized and maybe even receive sympathy. Because it lacks accusation it can help the two people talking get to a solution faster. Trading you for I helps create a kinder approach to broaching problems and issues with those around you.
Take It Down A Notch
It’s important to express ourselves, but how we do it can really impact our being heard. Taking your expressions down a notch can help others receive what you’re saying more easily. Often we react negatively to intense expressions in conversation (especially those that are negative in nature.) Softening our words and making sure we avoid violent language can help others hear what it is we’re upset about rather than only hearing the degree to which we are upset. “I really don’t like…” or “I strongly dislike…” rather than “I hate…” is one example of a simple switch that can still express the sentiment but with less triggering language. Another example could be: saying “I’m really angry with him right now.” instead of “I’m gonna rip him apart when I see him.” Softening the approach of your expression can help others more quickly tap into their ability to be kind toward you and to help support you in this moment. Rather than be in a position of using their energy and focus to filter through or react to what it is you’re saying so intensely.
Stick to Reality Not Exaggeration
Exaggeration can be a lot of fun - that fish you caught gets bigger, and the accolades you received become even more glowing. But if it borders on or crosses into lying, you can lose a sense of trust with others and your believability might be questioned. It’s also important not to exaggerate too much for our own sense of reality. Is it really every time your mother calls that she asks XYZ? Does your kid really never listen to you? When we start using absolutist language we lose room for reality and can even alter our own perception of reality. Being careful with never, always, every, none, and similar words along with making sure our accounts of things don’t grow out of proportion (for example, if it’s only been weeks not months, that’s important to keep in check,) can not only help us stay within reality but it can also help us be kinder in our conversation and representations of others in our lives.
Take Care With Criticism
This might sound obvious but taking care with how you deliver criticism is key to building good relationships with those in your life. Criticism alone can actually shut down someone’s ability to hear the feedback itself. In general, you’re more likely to have your concerns heard if you offer at least three positives for each negative you have to bring up. There are also more direct strategies for delivering criticism well. We’re fans of these two in particular: the compliment sandwich - where you deliver praise, then your constructive criticism (note the word constructive!) followed by a compliment. “Allison, your work on the Spielman campaign has been really solid. I’d love to see the same effort applied to the Freedman campaign. I think they’d be thrilled to see how great you are at organizing on this level.” Our other favorite strategy is Praise-Concern-Suggest where, you guessed it, you offer praise then bring up your concern and offer a suggestion to deal with the concern. “Jeremy the work you did setting up the Carter event was excellent. I do have a concern about regular communication with the client however so I’d like to suggest that you try setting a bi-monthly meeting with them so they can have consistent updates to look forward to.” These tactics and others like them will make a world of difference in your interactions with others when it comes to critical feedback.
Flip Your Language
At Emily Post, we are big fans of flipping don’ts to do’s. By flipping your language from a negative to avoid, to a positive to engage you can bring a sense of positivity and encouragement to the interaction. Now, that is definitely kind.
Leave Room To Be Wrong
Sure we can all feel a little embarrassed to get something wrong. Whether it’s a sheepish grin with an “Oops,” or a heartfelt apology that follows (depending on the seriousness of the situation) the more okay we are with the reality that EVERYONE gets things wrong from time to time the easier it is to accept, apologize if necessary and move on - likely having learned something in the process! It’s also important to recognize that everyone can get things wrong from time to time so that we can be kinder and more sympathetic in our approach when someone else gets something wrong.
Be Clear With Invitations
This one might surprise you, how is a good invitation kind? Well not only is it usually nice to be invited to something, it’s particularly kind to invite people for a specific reason as it shows you’re considering the time you’re asking to spend together and how it might be enjoyable. Asking someone to “do something sometime,” is fairly vague and outside of getting a sense of if someone would like to meet up with you in the future (maybe you’re testing the waters of a potential new friendship, or date,) even then it’s best to have a specific thing in mind, like going for a walk or meeting for a cup of coffee or tea. “Wanna do something sometime?” is so vague it can really come across as aloof. “Would you be interested in getting together/hanging out?” is fine if you’re feeling out whether or not someone you’ve just met would like to spend more time together. “Would you like to go for a walk next week after work or next weekend?” is great because it suggests an activity and a rough timeframe for it. The person being asked gets a sense of what type of get-together this would be and when it might be convenient and it gives them something direct to reply to. It’s a much more thoughtful and engaging way to issue an invitation.
Accept Regrets or Decline Invitations Graciously
Receiving a “No,” to an invitation is often a bummer. So taking care to decline an invitation graciously is important. For most invitations to events, for dates, or to hang out a polite “No, but thank you for asking me.” will do just fine. There’s no need to lie and say you can’t make it. Keeping it simple, friendly, and honest is the most polite way to decline. And it’s kind too.
When someone declines your invitation it’s best to accept their regret as graciously as possible. No one owes us their time, and however bummed we may be, that’s for us to deal with. We should not be putting our disappointment on the other person. Instead a simple, “Oh, Okay,” or “Thanks for letting me know,” is fine. In the age of ghosting, many people are grateful for any response. If, for example, it’s a friend or family member who can’t make it to an event you can add that they will be missed. You want to thread the needle between saying you wish they could be there - which is a nice sentiment - and making them feel pressure or guilt for not being able to attend - which is definitely not kind.
When it’s an invitation for a date that was declined it’s best to keep things simple and stick to, “Glad to have met you, and have a good day/night.” or “I understand. Take care!” If you’re still going to be spending time together after the “ask” (say you’re part of the same friend group or on the same team,) being pleasant and keeping things platonic in nature is a kind move. Right after the ask, changing the subject to something going on around you, or something else you can connect over will help you move forward without letting the ask interfere with the friendship.
Admit When You Don’t Know
“I don’t know much about that topic.” “I’ll be honest, I don’t know.” The words are easy to say but somehow we feel awkward about admitting what we don’t know. The kindness here comes in how to handle it when someone says they don’t know or aren’t familiar with something. People can be awfully myopic in what they think of as “common knowledge” and some people can take the snobbish route of thinking that knowledge of a topic makes them better than others who don’t know about the topic. Both create a sense of unease with others in conversation and one thing good etiquette is not about is making people feel uncomfortable. When someone admits that they don’t know much about a topic it’s kind to offer a quick primer, and to then only carry on with the topic if the other person seems interested in what they’ve just learned.
It’s bold and wonderful to admit what you don’t know because it often presents a wonderful opportunity to learn if the person who is in the position to teach is willing to be kind and thoughtful about their approach.
Whether you’re accepting regrets well, offering criticism in a way that can be constructive, or making sure your language is a fair representation of reality, taking some time to think about others and how our words impact them is a great way to help kindness find it’s way into more of your daily interactions. And the impact that can have on you and those around you is nothing short of wonderful.
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Thank you for spending some of your day with us. Is there a tweak you can make to your language to help cultivate a kinder environment for yourself and others? Do you have a favorite from the list above? We’d love to hear your thoughts - and remember the Monday thread is open to all, so you can post your thoughts about this article there too.
Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, it’s coming up next!
Until then,
Lizzie and Dan
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