Etiquette Today: Comment Threads
Comment threads can feel like unruly places and yet taking time to think about what we post can create a more positive online experience both for us and others.
Comment Threads
Ahhhh the internet and its promise of freedom and open exchange. It certainly delivered. Maybe a bit too much in some cases. While it will always be a good thing to hear different voices and it is incredible how the internet connects people all over the world, how we choose to use our voices in the many spaces available to us on the internet is key to our (and others’) experience when we sit down with our phone, tablet, or computer to add our two cents.
Commenting isn’t the problem. It’s how we comment that can be a problem.
Sharing our thoughts on posts, articles, videos, and more is generally a good thing. The more we share, the more we connect, and the more we can learn about different perspectives and lives being lived in the world. The more know the more we can accommodate and hopefully learn from others the more we enhance our lives.
It would be easy to write about comment thread etiquette and only focus on the negative. The horrible things that people choose to post, and the misinformation that spreads faster than wildfire are very easy targets for wagging fingers and disapproving scowls. And deservedly so, that behavior isn’t cool, and from an etiquette perspective it certainly isn’t polite. However, at Emily Post, we find it most effective to focus on solutions rather than problems and positive participation is how we like to approach commenting online.
Now this isn’t to say that a comment that explores a hardship in life, or frustration isn’t worth posting, or that it’s rude to post it. No. Not at all. But we do have some actionable advice that avoids the use of the word “don’t” that can help keep us focused on what TO DO. Let’s take a look.
KNOW THE PLATFORM YOU’RE USING
It’s important to know the rules of the platform you are using before you post a comment to any thread on that platform. Most sites have policies that prevent hate speech, threats, bullying, and certain types of material or content from being posted. It’s smart to get familiar with these policies as well as community norms, especially if you are a frequent visitor to the site or a commenter on the threads. A trend happening on the internet right now is that of more and more people choosing to operate in smaller more focused groups as opposed to the mega audiences of the social media giants of the last 20 years. Each of these smaller platforms is going to have its own set of rules and common practices and it’s worth making sure we learn the rules of the spaces we operate in.
THE THREE TIERS OF CONVERSATION APPLY ONLINE
TIER I, small talk - common or shared experiences, the weather, pop culture, entertainment (books, movies, TV, etc…) sports, hobbies, and food are all considered low-stakes conversational topics that you could try with just about anyone. Tier I topics are great for online conversation.
TIER II, more controversial topics - religion, politics, intimate details, and money are all topics worth thinking about first before jumping in. Broaching these subjects or presenting them as a topic of discussion in ways that recognize diverse perspectives and comfort levels with them is important. Also offering an “out,” even online, is thoughtful. “I understand if you’d rather not go into the topic, but I’m curious how religion or upbringing might factor into your comment. As a former XYZ, I still see it impact my life today in many ways.” Take care with Tier II topics in online forums, people have very strong and very different opinions about them.
TIER III, private and personal - these are subjects that are generally regarded as private or too personal for casual or public conversation. We approach these topics with great care and often ask before sharing or asking about them. Family, finances, and medical or health-related topics all fall into this tier III category. We never want to force these topics on others or ask about them in ways that are prying. Tier III conversations are very difficult to have well in public spaces and online comment threads and not only public, they are often permanent. The best advice for these topics is to take it to a private space “I had that condition last year, I’m happy to share more if you’d like to DM me.”
STICK TO THE POINT
Comment threads can get messy and it can sometimes be hard to tell if someone is responding to the post itself or a comment in the thread. Stay on topic and contribute in ways that enhance the conversation. Do your best to make sure you are posting a fresh comment when your thought is about the original article, or post itself. Post a “reply” to a comment in the thread if you want to speak to someone’s specific comment. Using the handle or screen name associated with the comment you’d like to reply to is helpful (even when the reply is nestled under the comment.)
TONE
Just like with our emails, and text messages, anytime we are typing a thought to post as a comment we want to watch our tone and re-read our message before we send or post it. Reading for clarity is always good, but you also want to read for tone. What can “sound” find in our heads as we type, might look harsher when read by the recipient, or in the case of comments, by anyone reading the comment thread. There has been a lot said about the power of sharing our negative experiences online, and we don’t want to diminish the very real, supportive, and important role this provides for us. However, we see the benefits from an etiquette standpoint in encouraging people to, as best as they can, keep the tone of their posts positive, or constructive as they share. Sticking to “I” statements can help us avoid “you” language which can come across as accusatory. Acknowledging our perspective and where it’s coming from, can help put context around sharing a negative statement or reaction. In addition, it will always be good practice to make sure you are truly saying what you mean and that your punctuation or use of acronyms and emojis support what you want to say. Read your comment aloud and give yourself a few minutes before hitting the “post comment” button. This ensures one of Emily Post’s best pieces of advice (and she’s not alone in giving it:) think before you speak.
LET IT GO
Finally, whether it’s a nasty troll or just a crummy comment. Do not let this take up too much space in your brain. While we are all susceptible to being caught up in the moment, if a thread has riled you up, or a troll has just said something nasty - trying to get you to take the bait, let it go. It’s not worth the hype or the disruption to your life or the amount of space it takes up in your brain. While yes, the amazing connectivity of the internet has afforded us some real eye-opening, life-changing type moments, when it comes to the negative stuff, it’s just not worth it. Let it go and allow your mind the space to engage with more fulfilling real-world interactions. Trolls and fights with people you are likely to never meet in real life are a drain not worth your time and energy.
Stick to positive engagement.
State your truth if you wish and then disengage.
Don’t go back to that thread. It’s just too tempting to get sucked into the negative back and forth again.
Now, with all this inspiration about posting to comment threads, tell us your thoughts - do you have good tactics for how to share something negative in a constructive way? How about handling trolls? We’d love to hear your thoughts and remember, free subscribers can post in the Monday comments which are open to all!
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Thank you for spending some of your day with us. Tell us in the comments about where you participate online - do you use the NOTES feature here on Substack? Still a Twitter user or have you switched over to Meta’s new Threads platform - or do you avoid them all? We’d love to hear your thoughts - and remember the Monday thread is open to all.
Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, it’s coming up next!
Until then,
Lizzie and Dan
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I much prefer an app called Discord to most "public" social media apps. In Discord, there is no hub or feed; there are only small, individual "servers" that function as community chatrooms and are often based around a hobby or piece of entertainment. Trolls are (ideally) weeded out relatively quickly by community moderators who have much more strict rules of toxic behavior than most feed-based apps. Discord also allows you to build more genuine and meaningful friendships — rather than a one-off exchange in a post about your vacation on Instagram, you get to spend regular time with other server members, and are then able to direct message them like a text conversation. Granted, most people on Discord are under the age of 25 (like me), but I find it to be a revolutionary and much less toxic way of engaging with others online.
For me, the easiest way of dealing with trolls is by asking if engaging is worth the damage to my character as a gentleman. Often, the answer is no. My desire to be a polite, civilized person overrules my desire to chew out the person with the bad take. It's not just a question of whether you're personally sinking to their level, but whether others on the internet will look at the exchange and see you almost as poorly as the instigator for engaging with them so emotionally in the first place. Easier said than done, of course.
I love the last point in this post: Let It Go. It is so true that at times the best response is no response at all. You avoid engaging in what has the potential to become an even uglier situation if you simply realize that (as I heard once) "sometimes it is fine to just say nothing."