Etiquette Today: Asking For Favors
Asking for favors comes with it's own etiquette to help make the ask go smoothly. Think about the details so you can ask for favors with confidence.
The Etiquette of Asking for Favors
They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it takes a community for most adults to function well in life too. There are times when we find ourselves in the position of wanting or even needing help or favors from others.
There are small favors that might happen without us even realizing them. A passerby removes some litter from our yard. Or maybe your mom notices your freezer is a bit low and makes some frozen lasagna for you. And then there are the large asks. The “Would you be able to watch my kids for a week in June while I move my mom into an assisted living facility?” or “Can you drive me to the airport at 4 a.m. because our town doesn’t have taxis or rideshares?” which are a little more involved, and place a little more of a burden on the person helping than most would want.
Being in the position of needing a favor be it something seemingly simple like watering a garden while someone is out of town, or more complex like helping to organize care during a round of chemo or after a complicated procedure can already feel tough, adding the pressure of having to ask for help and some people just don’t know where to begin.
First Step: Deep Breath
First, take a deep breath. Even when we are organizing and asking for favors well ahead of when they are needed it always helps to take a few deep breaths and do what Emily Post has recommended from 1922 until today: think first.
Think about what you need. Think about what is the bare minimum that would be helpful. And while it’s nice to imagine what would be a dream helping hand it is important to know what it is you really need. Being realistic in expectations is respectful. You’re likely to find someone who can at least do the bare minimum of what you need or are hoping for. And sometimes you might even find someone who can do a bit more than the bare minimum. But prepare yourself for a range.
Think about what your next step is if this person says no. Preparing yourself, being ready for a “No, I’m sorry I can’t.” can be a helpful strategy. You don’t want to go so far into prepping for a “no,” that you can’t hear the “yes,” that’s coming your way. But you should always keep getting a “no,” as an option in your mind. Don’t dwell on it, but respect that it can happen.
Second Step: Plan Your Ask
We’re fans of sample scripts here at Emily Post. Preparing and practicing a sample script can help you feel confident when asking for a favor. Offer an out with the ask so that it’s easy for the person to say no if they need or want to and always remember to spell your ask out clearly and in full. While you don’t need to go into a deep dive describing exactly how your kids need to be cared for, or a garden watered. The basics and logistical details will help. Think dates, times,
For small favors keeping the tone casual and light is key. It helps the other person understand that this is not a high-stakes situation. But instead, just a simple question or request. “Angela, no worries if you can’t but, any chance you could water my plants Tuesday and Friday next week while I’m out of town?”
For larger favors recognizing the magnitude of what you’re asking is a big help toward the other person feeling like you see the impact this ask could have. You do not have to profusely apologize for needing or asking for help. But it can help to make sure the other party understands that you understand this is a big ask. “Will, I know that this is a very big and last-minute ask, so I completely understand if it’s a ‘No.’ but here’s the situation: I’ve just learned my aunt had a stroke and I need to get her from the hospital and then settled at home with care. I’m wondering if you and Seth could watch the kids and our pet iguana from Thursday night until Sunday?”
In both samples, there is a recognition that the favor might be denied and specifics about the favor itself.
Practice your ask. If it’s a high-stakes favor, the kind where you REALLY need to find someone to say yes and fast, practicing your ask will help you level your tone and remove some of the nerves you’re likely experiencing just from the rush of having to solve your problem. Again, take a deep breath and practice your ask a few times so you can hear how it sounds.
Third Step: Keep It Simple
While some favors might require some very important details that you cannot get away from needing to explain or communicate, keeping the instructions or tasks that come with the favor as simple and clear as possible will be helpful. Try to balance detail with necessity. If you start to pile on details the favor can start to become burdensome. Again, there are times when safety is a concern and detail is necessary, but absent safety concerns try not to clutter up your ask.
Fourth Step: Express Your Gratitude
Even if you decided to pay someone for a favor they did for you (not exactly hiring them but still showing appreciation with some cash,) you should still express your gratitude for the favor. Whether it was letting you borrow a lawn tool, or if they helped you dig out after that wild winter snowstorm, showing your gratitude for a favor someone did honors the help you received and works toward building the relationship at hand.
Some favors are small enough that a verbal thanks or even just a text is plenty! “Hey thanks for bringing my recycling bins up from the curb today!” For other favors a verbal thanks followed up with a thank-you note or maybe even a thank-you note with a thank-you gift is appropriate. The favor and your budget will help you decide but no matter what make sure the other person knows you were grateful for their help.
Speaking of favors… Hey Dan, I totally understand if you can’t but I was hoping you might be able to help me with some gardening this weekend. I know you love raking, any chance I can temp you and a couple of your kiddos to come join me in some yard work?
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That’s it for now, we hope this article helps you feel confident about asking for favors when you need to. And remember if you are ever asked for a favor, it’s great to help when you can and it’s honest and good to say “No.” when you can’t. Do you have a topic you’d like us to write about for an Etiquette Today article? Tell us in the comments (Free subscribers can post suggestions to the Monday comments thread which is open to all!) Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, it’s coming up next!
Until next time,
Lizzie and Dan
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