Etiquette Today: 10 Things Not To Do At The Table
These 10 actions are some of the best things to avoid at any meal.
10 Things Not To Do At The Table
While our table manners will certainly adjust depending on the formality of the meal (and admittedly sometimes even the company we dine with) there are some things that are best to avoid at any meal with others - and yes they include electronics. In some ways, this is just the tip of the iceberg. We didn’t even touch some classics like talking with your mouth full, or holding utensils in certain ways. Let’s look at some of the most common (and modern) things to avoid at the table:
Interrupting during conversation
Interrupting displays a lack of awareness at best and a sense of arrogance at worst. That’s not to say it isn’t easy to do, but it’s why from Emily’s day to today we value thinking first before you speak. This doesn’t just mean to think about what you are going to say and it’s potential impact - though that is very important. It also means to think about where the conversation is at. Who is speaking and about what? And then weigh whether or not your comment or question adds to the conversation at hand or can be saved for later or even go unsaid (a real triumph over one’s ego.)
Ignoring someone seated next to you
In Emily’s day, there were times when all the ladies would speak with the dinner companion to their right, and then at certain points, the hostess would “turn the table” and switch to the dinner companion on her other side (all the ladies would follow suit and the conversation got not only a shake-up but an even distribution between guests. No one was left out. While we appreciate the goal, the logistics are a bit stiff for today’s tables no matter the formality. We advise that whatever the meal, you make sure to talk to those around you and with somewhat equal measure. If you find one particular person so fascinating that you find yourself focusing frequently or only on them, make a mental note to speak with others and another mental note to see if you can find another time to speak with this person again. Clearly, they were engaging to you! (If you or they aren’t interested in speaking further, that’s okay too.)
Shouting at the table
Most tables that we dine at are small enough that no one needs to shout unless the din in the room is such that normal “indoor” voices can’t be heard. And when dining out this can sometimes be the case. But even if this is the case, it’s never pleasant to shout at the table. It can startle people and sometimes come across as aggressive. There may be occasions when a host or guest will engage in conversation from across a long table and then raise their voice to do so, but usually, this is done in such a way that the whole table (or at least one end) is prepared and even expecting it. Think about a voice volume that would allow someone about three feet away to hear you, yet not allow someone six to eight feet away to hear you.
Seasoning before tasting your food
This is more a rule of practicality than anything - we all do have different taste buds after all. However, seasoning your food before tasting it can not only be insulting to the chef or host, but it can absolutely ruin a dish.
Reaching across the table or someone’s plate
Most of us know not to reach across the table either by standing up and reaching over or by reaching from our seats. However, reaching across someone’s table setting to get the salt and pepper for instance is also considered unnecessary at the table. Simply ask the person to pass it to you, you can even let them know it’s because you’d like to avoid reaching over them. “Sara, would you mind passing the salt and pepper, please? I don’t want to end up reaching across you.” When passing it’s also best to pass without reaching across others to do so.
Passing gas
This might not be anyone’s favorite table topic (okay maybe except the under-10 set) but avoiding passing gas at the table is a great idea. The sound and potential odor (and in the case of a burp that isn’t covered, any potential visuals) are unpleasant and unappetizing in American/Western dining. Excuse yourself to the restroom should the need arise and do your best to stifle the sound.
Almost anything to do with a device
We have seen it happen, we know it’s true: There are times when using a device to share a picture, or story, or search for an answer can enhance a meal-time conversation. And we know that many parents (and their dining companions) are grateful to be able to set up a youngster with a device to keep them occupied throughout a meal. However, outside of those situations, it is usually going to be better to keep any and all devices away from your table experience. As the host, it’s okay to remind. “Take any pictures of the table or the meal that you’d like, and then I’d like to ask for phones and devices to be off or away for the meal.”
Bring up negative news
Because negative news can be upsetting and when people are upset they can struggle physically to eat, it’s best not to bring up negative news or topics during a meal. While there’s no need to avoid these topics altogether, when people are eating it’s thoughtful to keep the topics pleasant whenever possible.
Groom yourself (or others for that matter)
Those dining with youngsters are of course exempt from this when it comes to helping to clean off faces, hands, and sometimes even hair. But for the rest of us, grooming at the table is something to avoid. Our grandmother, Elizabeth Post, put forth the exception that those who wear it could put on lipstick at the table if they could do so without a mirror. But for everything else, we’ve always suggested you excuse yourself from the table to take care of it.
Leaving a mess
Many a comic strip has depicted the mess that little kids can be capable of creating at the table but in truth, we all are capable of leaving crumbs or smears and dribbles of sauces. It’s easy to get messy if we aren’t paying attention. But it’s amazing how neatly we can dine when we take our time and think through the process. A little bit of awareness and patience goes a very long way in the neatness department.
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Thank you for spending some of your day with us. Is there a dining dealbreaker for you? For most folks, it’s talking with a full mouth or opening your mouth when you chew. Tell us the table manners you notice the most in the comments below (Free subscribers can post to the Monday comments thread which is open to all!) Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, it’s coming up next!
Until next time,
Lizzie and Dan
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I tried a device “rule” at a meal out with friends a while back. Everyone agreed they had no known reasons for an important phone call, placed their phones on silent (not vibrate; silent), and stacked their phones up on the table. First person to get their phone had bought dinner...for the whole table.
I didn’t think it’d work. I figured it’d be more of a fun thing. IT WORKED! People didn’t think about it too much after about 10-15 minutes. The one time someone said: “oh, let me show you,” they reached, paused, and remembered they’d have to buy dinner for everyone. We all chuckled, and everyone had a *wonderful* meal with no phone distractions.
Maybe not the best model for every meal out, but it worked. Well....at least once. Haha
Fabulous reminders -- too bad some folks still need to be reminded...