Etiquette Throwback: The Importance of Dinner Engagements - 1922
For this Etiquette Throwback we take a look at the 1922 edition of Etiquette and Emily's advice on keeping dinner plans.
Keeping Dinner Engagements
For the Etiquette Throwback this week, we take a look at an excerpt from Emily Post’s 1922 edition of Etiquette where Emily gets quite direct about the expectations and standards around keeping dinner engagements. She also delivers a great reminder about how we can politely find our own agency when it comes to responding to invitations.
ETIQUETTE, 1922
IMPORTANCE OF DINNER ENGAGEMENTS
Dinner invitations must be answered immediately; engraved or written ones by return post, or those which were telephoned, by telephone and at once! Also, nothing but serious illness or death or an utterly unavoidable accident can excuse the breaking of a dinner engagement.
To accept a dinner at Mrs. Nobody’s and then break the obligation upon being invited to dine with the Worldlys, proclaims anyone capable of such rudeness an unmitigated snob, whom Mrs. Worldly would be the first to cut from her visiting list if she knew of it. The rule is: “Don’t accept an invitation if you don’t care about it.” Having declined the Nobody invitation in the first place, you are then free to accept Mrs. Worldly’s, or to stay at home. There are times, however, when engagements between very close friends or members of the family may perhaps be broken, but only if made with the special stipulation: “Come to dinner with us alone Thursday if nothing better turns up!” And the other answers, “I’d love to—and you let me know too, if you want to do anything else.” Meanwhile if one of them is invited to something unusually tempting, there is no rudeness in telephoning her friend, “Lucy has asked us to hear Galli-Curci on Thursday!” and the other says, “Go, by all means! We can dine Tuesday next week if you like, or come Sunday for supper.” This privilege of intimacy can, however, be abused. An engagement, even with a member of one’s family, ought never to be broken twice within a brief period, or it becomes apparent that the other’s presence is more a fill-in of idle time than a longed-for pleasure.
Emily is undoubtedly not mincing words here. She is downright stern while still finding reasonable caveats that bend the rules. What we love about this passage is that it’s so direct and clear. It puts such importance on an invitation to dinner and the reply which, when compared with today’s frustrations about people flaking out or canceling at the drop of a hat, seems like such a wonderful point of focus.
We’ve heard from plenty of you, who have put time and effort into hosting gatherings only to have invitations ignored or acceptances turned to cancellations last minute (sometimes without notice.) We also hear from those who are afraid to even try to host because the lack of guests’ ability to commit.
We might not say it as sternly as Emily did in 1922, but we think her advice stands up quite well today: Treat invitations with the importance they deserve, keep your commitments once you rsvp, communicate well and clearly - knowing that within reason you may decline any invitation - and recognize the difference between replying to an invitation and weighing your options.
Vintage Finds
If you’re interested in vintage etiquette books the best places to find them are local libraries, book fairs, estate sales, antique/vintage booksellers, and good ol’ eBay. Happy hunting!
Signed Copies of Our Latest Edition
Signed copies of Emily Post’s Etiquette - The Centennial Edition are still available through Bridgeside Books. This book makes a great gift to celebrate so many occasions including engagements, weddings, birthdays, housewarmings, graduations, and first jobs.
That’s it for today’s Etiquette Throwback, we hope you enjoyed stepping back in time to the 1922 edition. Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip for your weekend etiquette inspiration.
Cheers!