Etiquette Throwback 1960: Emily Post, Etiquette, Engagement Ring and Gift Etiquette
We're delighted to have found a passage where Emily suggests that a gentleman can wear an engagement ring.
Etiquette, 1960, Engagement Ring Etiquette + If She Gives Him an Engagement Present
Get ready for a shocker! In Emily Post’s tenth edition of her famed book Etiquette she shocked her great-great-grandchildren (in a good way) by including the advice that it is perfectly appropriate for a woman to give a man an engagement ring. In fact, Emily spends the page prior to today’s excerpt describing the different birthstones that would suit a masculine ring. She also speaks of the trends of the day, where it seemed to be that women were choosing their birthstone as a center stone in an engagement ring rather than a diamond. She maintains her advice from 1922 about choosing a ring and that it’s thoughtful to give the person being proposed to a selection to choose from ahead of the moment, so that the ring can be easily appreciated and because the person it’s given to, will in all theory, be wearing it for the rest of their life.
The 1960, 10th edition of Etiquette is the final edition that Emily herself worked on. The year would see her death and the beginning of Elizabeth Post (Emily’s granddaughter-in-law) taking over the mantle and continuing the tradition. Let’s see what Emily’s final words were on engagement rings and gifts between the happy couple.
*Please note that the grammar and spelling in the following excerpt follow 20th-century standards.
CHAPTER 18
ENGAGEMENTS
Engagement Ring Etiquette Pg 184
If She Gives Him An Engagement Present Pg 84
ENGAGEMENT RING ETIQUETTE
The engagement ring is worn for the first time in public on the day of the announcement. But the engagement ring is not essential to the validity of the betrothal. Many confuse the engagement ring with the wedding ring, and believe the former is as indispensable as the latter, which is not the case. The wedding ring is a requirement of the marriage service. The engagement ring is simply evidence that he proposed marriage and that she answered, "Yes!"
Countless wives have never had an engagement ring at all. Many another has received her ring long after marriage, when her husband was able to buy the ring he had all along wanted her to have. Some brides prefer to forego an engagement ring, and put the money it would have cost toward furnishing their future home.
IF SHE GIVES HIM AN ENGAGEMENT PRESENT
It is not obligatory, or even customary, for the girl to give the man an engagement present; but there is no impropriety in her doing so. In fact, if she wants to call it that, she can even give him an engagement ring! The most usual presents include such articles as the following: a set of studs and a matching pair of cuff links, or a watch band or a key chain, or a cigarette case. Probably because the giving of an engagement ring is his particular province, she very rarely gives him a ring or, in fact, any present at all. But there is no impropriety in her giving him a ring if she wants to. If he is to have a wedding ring she buys that, of course!
Maybe it’s the frugal New England tendencies we have, but we love hearing Emily champion the idea that the ring is not what makes the engagement special. It’s the meaning of the promise that gives it importance. In a world where we are inundated with suggestions to buy buy buy and get bigger and shinier things, it is such a relief to hear that, from an etiquette perspective, the ring isn’t a must-do.
We’d love to hear about your engagement story! Please share your tale with us in the comments below. Today’s comments are open to all, but don’t let that stop you from signing up for a paid subscription. We’d love to have you in our community!
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I have not (yet!) been engaged, however, just last week I was speaking with a friend (who might someday be my spouse...we'll see!) about the topic of engagement rings. I share and appreciate Emily's perspective on the cost or particulars of the ring being less important than what it symbolizes. I told my friend I would much rather have a plain, narrow titanium or platinum band that will be timeless, affordable, and nearly impossible to damage during the many outdoor adventures I often find myself enjoying. I dislike the idea of ever taking off an engagement ring, so it would be much more meaningful and practical to have one I'd never have to worry about removing or damaging (and be easily replaced if I lost it). A nice plus would be that the money saved from not buying a diamond could go towards a down payment on a home or something else we'd get to invest in together.
Neither of my grandmas had an engagement ring, and one didn't wear a wedding ring--many Anabaptist faiths don't allow it (Amish, Church of the Brethren, Mennonite, etc...). My other grandma bought her own ring during the Great Depression. I have the original booklet which came with it, apparently it was not uncommon at the time for a woman to buy her own ring.
I wear my grandma's ring with my wedding and engagement rings. It makes a nice guard.