Etiquette Throwback: 1952, Amy Vanderbilt

A look at the 1952 introduction to Amy Vanderbilt's Etiquette - The Guide to Gracious Living

Amy Vanderbilt’s Etiquette, 1952 Introduction

The Emily Post Institute has a number of etiquette books from other etiquette authors throughout American history. Amy Vanderbilt is one of the most notable of those authors. She wrote both Amy Vanderbilt’s Everyday Etiquette and Amy Vanderbilt’s Etiquette, The Guide to Gracious Living. The edition of the latter that we have is from 1972 but it uses the original introduction from 1952. Like most etiquette authors Vanderbilt admits that knowing all the rules by heart isn’t the way to get by. She lets the reader know that she too would need to look up certain points of etiquette in her own book, especially when the topic or issue falls outside of her everyday life.

Like most etiquette authors, Vanderbilt wrestles with the term and discusses how broad the impact of etiquette can be and how varied its nuances are.

Introduction to Original Edition

pgs. VIIII-XII

The word “etiquette” for all the things I have tried to discuss is really inadequate, yet no other word will do. It covers much more than “manners,” the way in which we do things. It is considerably more than a treatise on a code of social behavior, although all the traditional information still of value has, I feel, been included in a way that is simple and concise, shorn of mumbo-jumbo, and clearly learnable. For we must all learn the socially acceptable ways of living with others in no matter what society we move. Even in primitive societies there are such rules, some of them as complex and inexplicable as many of our own. Their original raison d’etre or purpose is lost, but their acceptance is still unquestioned.

Change in etiquette usually comes slowly, just as changes come slowly in the dictionary. The analogy applies, too, in that it is not necessarily social leaders who bring about such changes, but rather the people themselves who, through slighting certain forms for a long enough period, finally bring about their abolishment or at least their modification.

Inventions, wars, political upheavals, legislation, all, of course, have repercussions, sometimes immediate, in the field of etiquette. In certain Moslem countries purdah, the centuries-old veiling of women in public, was abolished by law overnight. Think of the social adjustment that was required! What had been rigorous social custom now became illegal.

Etiquette, too, is obviously geographically influenced. In cities thousands of families live under one roof, yet most never speak to one another on meeting. In the country not to speak to one’s neighbor on encountering him would be very rude. In some parts of the South girls are quite accustomed to young men asking for late dates, a date - usually with an old beau - following one that may end at about eleven. Elsewhere such behavior might be considered questionable.

In young countries - and ours is certainly one when you think in terms of Paris’s two thousand years - etiquette books have an important place. The physical and economic changes the country undergoes inevitably bring about fairly rapid social changes.

[Skipping a section on the author’s family history.]

I believe that knowledge of the rules of living in our society makes us more comfortable even though our particular circumstances may permit us to elide them somewhat. Some of the rudest and most objectionable people I have ever known have been technically the most “correct.” Some of the warmest, most lovable, have had little more than an innate feeling of what is right toward others. But, at the same time, they have had the intelligence to inform themselves, as necessary, on the rules of social intercourse as related to their own experiences. Only a great fool or a great genius is likely to flout all social grace with impunity, and neither one, doing so, makes the most comfortable companion.

It is interesting to see how Amy Vanderbilt handles her introduction to etiquette. While this isn’t the entire piece, this section focused the most on etiquette as a concept, something that develops in all communities regardless of how they are set up. Vanderbilt doesn’t seem to love the word etiquette and yet, as she tells us, she finds other words lacking in their ability to fully encompass all that we mean when we say “etiquette.” She argues that etiquette usually changes slowly over time and then shows us how it can change quickly if we allow it to.

Like other etiquette authors in the 20th century, Vanderbilt acknowledges that learning manners doesn’t make you a great person to be around and that lacking knowledge of manners may not matter one bit if you have a warm nature and a considerate mind.

While Amy Vanderbilt strikes a different tone with her delivery she covers a wide range of topics (etiquette for college students and teenagers is just as in-depth as classics like table manners and correspondence) in this 1972 edition that makes it an in-depth look at American life in the 1970’s - at least as it should be according to Amy Vanderbilt.

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Thank you for looking

at Amy Vanderbilt’s work with us today. Any old etiquette books on your shelf? We’d love to hear about what you’ve got in the comments, remember the Monday thread is open to all. Keep an eye on your inbox for the Saturday Sip, it’s up next.

Until next time!

Take care,
Lizzie and Dan

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