Etiquette Throwback: 1940, Children Are People,

Emily Post loved being a mother and grandmother and she had a lot of thoughts on how to raise children well. Here is a section from her 1940's parenting book.

Emily Post’s Children Are People, 1940

Emily’s 1940’s book Children Are People, and Ideal Parents Are Comrades feels very progressive for its day. Often when parenting tropes of old come to mind we think of phrases like, “Children should be seen and not heard,” or “Spare the rod and you spoil the child.” Both of these sound (and are) problematic at best and harmful (literally) at worst. We were quite surprised to find that much of Emily’s advice resonates with how parents raise their children today. And not just that, it also reflected how we talk about teaching etiquette and the developmental stages children go through in life in our Children’s Etiquette Train the Trainer program.

Emily focuses on big goals (like having good table manners) and reaching them through small, developmentally appropriate, teaching moments. She, like our program, is heavy on the advice that as a parent (or teacher) you lead by example. And stresses this does not mean you have to be perfect, but you must be willing to acknowledge mistakes when they happen.

There were a lot of sections to choose from and some of our favorites lean heavily on examples of not giving in and standing firm, keeping your no’s no and your yes’s yes— within reason.

“As already noted, never say “yes” after having once said “no” except to set straight a mistake—when for example (as can easily happen), you have not understood a situation or have been misinformed. You say “no,” thinking that he wants a second chocolate bar, and then you find that he handed the bar you gave him to another child. Naturally you give him one and explain at once that you made a mistake!”

However, we decided to bring you a manners classic today and that is of Emily describing how to teach an infant their first table manners.

*Please note, the following excerpt uses grammar and spelling from the 1940s

Chapter 5 Table Manners

Earliest Lessons

pg. 46-48

As a matter of fact, taking the food from the spoon with his lips is practised long before there is any thought of his feeding himself. At about six months—or at latest, eight—he must be coaxed to sip from a spoon. Begin by pretending to take a sip from his spoon yourself, directly in front of him. Then press the tip of his spoon between his lips, make the motions of opening your lips and smacking them together gently. The baby will copy and think it a game. Always feed him carefully—neatly. At first, give him a little water, and then vegetable juice or fruit juice. Sometimes doctors advise his being given a little milk, first from a spoon and then more from a cup, to gradually lessen his dependence on the bottle.

At a little over a year, he is given his own feeding spoon and encouraged to try to use it. But if he does not want to, it is just as well to wait a little while until he does. In any case, definite lessons must be very short. Careful attention to a mouthful or two is enough for one time. Too concentrated attention upon him is likely to make him feel as though he were being held forcibly. When he shows an interest in holding his own spoon, he must of course be allowed to grasp it in whatever way comes easiest to him. The important thing is to give his attention to what is in the spoon and try to get it into his mouth. Anything so unessential as the way his fingers happen to be gripping the handle, can be left for later. The way to make him most efficient, is to encourage him with praise but help him only so much as is necessary. Too much help at a time will tire and bewilder him. Show him and then let him alone. Show him again with encouraging patience. Best of all, set him an example, but don’t underscore it. An occasional “See, Baby!” or “Watch Mother!” is quite all right, but continuous urging him to “see” or “watch” will make him rebellious. The best plan is just to go on eating very slowly yourself—without seeming to notice him—but perhaps holding your own spoon in your fist. But be sure to exaggerate the care with which you put your food in your mouth—very little at a time—and close your lips over it, and keep them closed. The baby will copy. Little by little, he will acquire facility just by copying you. Go to his rescue—but quietly—when he is really in trouble, but let him work out his method by himself when he can.

His own ingenuity in finding how to do a thing is worth far more than having it done for him. Therefore, let him practise by himself—don’t fuss over him too much or too constantly, and never approach him suddenly or excitedly. If he turns his porringer upside down on his head, be severe and show him you are displeased, but don’t grab him and spank him. A shock such as this, suddenly administered, may upset him for weeks to come—might even upset him seriously. It is plainest common sense that a baby who is suddenly punished—painfully punished—without understanding what for, is not only hurt but utterly frightened and bewildered.

By copying you and others, he can learn a great deal unconsciously when allowed to sit at table in his high chair and eat a cracker or crust.

We loved Emily’s focus on simple, small steps to take while building up to something as complex as using utensils. Her expectation appears not to be that teaching table manners is simple and if just done right it will all go perfectly, but instead that small moments of success build into bigger ones as a baby begins to learn the entire dining experience. This is a strategy that we still teach today in our Children’s Etiquette Train the Trainer program.

Emily’s advice on correcting a child at the table was interesting. We often assume (or are presented with examples in TV, books, and movies that) parenting in the early 20th century relied on physical correction. And yet here is Emily in 1940 advocating against it. While she does cover the subject in great detail later in the book, and even from different perspectives, the title of the chapter “Yesterday’s Child Was Spanked” and a few of her comments throughout it, suggest that corporal punishment may not have been as “accepted” in the 1940s as the entertainment industry presents.

Having had the pleasure of teaching the 6th generation of Posts to eat, we couldn’t help but laugh at Emily’s encouragement of keeping things as tidy as possible. (#parentinggoals #realitycheck) What parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle/parent’s sibling, or babysitter has not chuckled in amazement at all the places yogurt or cherry tomato seeds can work their way into when a child feeds themself? But we loved her constant drumbeat of taking things slowly and not making every bite a lesson, but instead having a few focused moments and then using your own manners (as you actually eat) to be an example for the child to follow.

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We hope you enjoyed today’s dip into Emily’s views on parenting from the 1940s. We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments, remember the Monday thread is open to all. Check out this link if you’re interested in our Children’s Etiquette Train the Trainer program. Keep an eye on your inbox for the Saturday Sip, it’s up next.

Until next time!

Take care,
Lizzie and Dan

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