Etiquette Throwback 1922: Enemies and Manners at the Formal Dinner Table
Here Emily instructs us on how to handle dining with those we don't care for, and specifically how to handle foods we don't like when offered.
Etiquette, 1922, Enemies Must Bury Hatches & Manners at Table
In this section on Formal Dinners from Emily Post’s 1922 edition of Etiquette’s, Emily handles distaste at the table, from dining companions we don’t care for to foods we dislike being offered to us. Let’s take a look!
*Please note that the grammar, spelling, and attitude in the following excerpt follow early 20th-century standards, and we have included the excerpt as is, with any typos that were printed in the book at the time.
FORMAL DINNERS
Enemies Must Bury Hatchets
Manners At Table
pg 222
ENEMIES MUST BURY HATCHETS
One inexorable rule of etiquette is that you must talk to your next door neighbor at a dinner table. You must, that is all there is about it!
Even if you are placed next to some one with whom you have had a bitter quarrel, consideration for your hostess, who would be distressed if she knew you had been put in a disagreeable place, and further consideration for the rest of the table which is otherwise “blocked,” exacts that you give no outward sign of your repugnance and that you make a pretence at least for a little while, of talking together.
At dinner once, Mrs. Toplofty, finding herself next to a man she quite openly despised, said to him with apparent placidity, “I shall not talk to you—because I don’t care to. But for the sake of my hostess I shall say my multiplication tables. Twice one are two, twice two are four ——” and she continued on through the tables, making him alternate them with her. As soon as she politely could she turned again to her other companion.
MANNERS AT TABLE
It used to be an offense, and it still is considered impolite, to refuse dishes at the table, because your refusal implies that you do not like what is offered you. If this is true, you should be doubly careful to take at least a little on your plate and make a pretence of eating some of it, since to refuse course after course can not fail to distress your hostess. If you are “on a diet” and accepted the invitation with that stipulation, your not eating is excusable; but even then to sit with an empty plate in front of you throughout a meal makes you a seemingly reproachful table companion for those of good appetite sitting next to you.
Wow! That Mrs. Toplofty is quite the character! What’s more impressive is that the gentleman in the story agrees to the farce and alternates the times tables with her. It’s quite a tactic, and while we’d be amazed if anyone pulled it off today, we think it’s important to see Emily’s point here: You don’t bring your personal grudges to your host’s home. Social spats need not be aired or visible when socializing in polite company. And this is true to a certain degree today. If you and a friend are not getting along, but you’re both attending the same events, like birthday parties or weddings, it’s expected that you politely ignore each other as best you can. This doesn’t mean intentionally slighting one another, and it certainly doesn’t mean explaining the beef to other present. If you are, by chance, forced to sit near one another, or are in a mixed group of conversation, doing your best to resort to easy topics like the weather, the atmosphere of the event, or other benign but pleasant ones is your best course of action. To dismiss one another, get into “it”, or gossip to others about the discord will only be disrespectful to your host and others present.
Emily’s take on how to manage being served foods you dislike could have easily been written today! Especially regarding those “on a diet”. When discussed with the host in advance, food restrictions are understood, and no concern on the host's part is needed. But to simply refuse to eat anything with no reason is a great insult to a host. Emily suggests taking a small portion, we call it the “No thank you helping.” Just enough to be polite and try the dish.
We hope you are enjoying our series on Formal Dinners from Emily’s 1922 edition. Have you ever been proud of how you handled a difficult situation at a party, whether it was the food or another guest? We’d love to hear the tale (pseudonyms are welcome, of course!) Can’t post? Sign up for a subscription today, or post on the Monday Podcast comment thread.
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