Etiquette Throwback: 1897, Margaret Sherwood
Manners and Social Usages provides us with a peek into Gilded Age etiquette, today we explore introductions and all their intricacies.
Manners and Social Usages, Margaret Sherwood, 1897, Introductions
Margaret Sherwood’s Gilded Age era manners book is filled with surprises. And her advice on introductions is one such section. Sherwood spends considerable time explaining the awkwardness around introductions in her day. She paints a picture fraught with stepping on toes and walking on eggshells around the topic when people are sensitive about whom they are introduced to. Much of this portion of the section is directed towards women (ladies) and shows an acceptance that some women prefer to keep their social circles tight and this is their prerogative. Should you know someone like this then you must tread carefully and always ask first before making introductions. After a couple of pages of these details and why different ladies might have different perspectives or agendas for accepting or declining an offer of an introduction, Sherwood jumps right into some solid etiquette points for introductions of the day.
*Please note, that grammar and spelling in the following excerpt follow 19th century standards.
Chapter IV On Introducing People
Earliest Lessons
pg. 48-50
Men scarcely ever ask to be introduced to each other, but if a lady, through some desire of her own, wishes to present them, she should never be met by indifference on their part. Men have a right to be exclusive as to their acquaintances, of course; but at a lady’s table, or in her parlor, they should never openly show distaste for each other’s society before her.
In America it is the fashion to shake hands, and most women, if desirous of being cordial, extend their hands even on a first introduction; but it is, perhaps, more elegant to make a bow only, at a first introduction.
In her own house a hostess should always extend her hand to a person brought to her by a mutual friend, and introduced for the first time.
At a dinner party, a few minutes before dinner, the hostess introduces to a lady the gentleman who is to take her down to the dining-room, but makes no further introductions, except in the case of a distinguished stranger, to whom all the company are introduced. Here people, as we have said, are shy of speaking, but they should not be, for the room where they meet is a sufficient guarantee that they can converse without any loss of dignity.
At large gatherings in the country it is proper for the lady to introduce her guests to each other, and it is perfectly proper to do this without asking permission of either party. A mother always introduces her son or daughter, a husband his wife, or a wife her husband, without asking permission.
A gentleman, after being introduced to a lady, must wait for her to bow first before he ventures to claim her as an acquaintance.
This is Anglo-Saxon etiquette. On the Continent, however, the gentleman bows first. There the matter of the raising the hat is also important. An American gentleman takes his hat quite off to a lady; a foreigner raises it but slightly, and bows with a deferential air. Between ladies but slightly acquainted, an just introduced, a very formal bow and smile; intimate male friends simply nod, but all gentlemen with ladies raise the hat and bow if the lady recognizes a friend.
Introductions which take place out-of-doors, as on the lawn-tennis ground, in the hunting field, in the street, or in any casual way, are not to be taken as necessarily formal, unless the lady chooses so to consider them. The same may be said of introductions at a watering-place, where a group of ladies walking together may meet other ladies or gentlemen, and join forces for a walk or drive. Introductions are needful, and should be made by the oldest lady of the party, but are not to be considered as making an acquaintance necessary between the parties if neither should afterwards wish it. It is universally conceded now that this sort of casual introduction does not involve either lady in the net-work of a future acquaintance; nor need a lady recognize a gentleman, if she does not choose to do so, after a watering-place introduction. It is always, however, more polite to bow; that civility hurts no one.
We were surprised by the handshake mentioned in Sherwood’s advice. It is more encouraging of a lady to offer her hand and to shake hands than we would have assumed for its time. It’s also heavy on the theme that women seem to dictate the rules around introductions, or at least have more of them than men. The theme of “lady’s choice” came up frequently. Whereas men were instructed to follow a hostess’s lead if she is indeed hosting at home and wished to make introductions.
There is much emphasis on how an introduction in certain circumstances does not have to result in a welcoming of the person you’ve just met into your world. To our network-happy 21st-century selves, the thought of acquaintances being a step you’d aim to gain with someone seems almost silly. While acquaintance is a perfectly good and even correct term to label many of our relationships today, we don’t hear it used often to describe relationships. “This is my acquaintance Alan.” feels distant - even if it’s true. Whereas describing someone as an acquaintance might occur when you’re correctly trying to identify that you know someone, but you don’t know them well or spend much time with them. Today we seem to jump into friendships very quickly - even if we have lots of acquaintances in our lives. It is interesting to see the term used as a proper stepping stone in the social development of a relationship.
As Sherwood writes the rules of the day, we can’t help but try to imagine how people reacted to them. Did gentlemen groan over attending certain dinner parties because the hostess was bound to introduce them to someone they’d rather not meet? Or was a trip to someone’s country house the best way to get an introduction with a hostess’s friends and inner circle because she can introduce guests without asking first in this setting? There are pros and cons to each, surely, but it’s fun to imagine what folks were thinking about while living with these Gilded Age rules.
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We hope you enjoyed today’s throwback to the Gilded Age. We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments, remember the Monday thread is open to all.
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Take care,
Lizzie and Dan
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