Etiquette Throwback: 1897 - Manners and Social Usage, Margaret Sherwood
This excerpt from Margaret Sherwood's 1897 book Manners and Social Usage talks about how to behave both as a host and a visitor, when "calling" on someone.
This excerpt from Margaret Sherwood's famous “Manners and Social Usages” (already an “updated and revised edition” in 1897,) depicts how guests should handle visiting also known as “calling” upon friends, family, acquaintances. It also details how to handle calling on someone who is a houseguest of someone you don’t know. Emily’s biography Emily Post Daughter of the Gilded Age, Mistress of American Manners by Laura Claridge references Sherwood’s book as one of the main sources on etiquette offering guidance to young ladies, like Emily, at the turn of the century.
Sherwood describes many of the intricacies of the visiting moment. Which circumstances would warrant a card being left and how it should be left. There are clues as to what might burden a host or visitor and what would be a courtesy to them. If you think the details of when and how to text are complex in our modern era, they pale in comparison to what one “should know” when visiting others in the late 19th century.
Because this excerpt is from 1897 the language used is not always what we would consider tasteful today. We don’t refer to people as servants anymore, instead, we say “staff” or the specific job title: chef, butler, or assistant.
Manners and Social Usages
Margaret Sherwood
Pgs. 24-25
A mistress should inform her servant after breakfast what he is to say to all comers [visitors]. It is very offensive to a visitor to be let in, and then be told that she cannot see the lady of the house. She feels personally insulted, and as if, had she been some other person, the lady of the house would perhaps have seen her.
If a servant, evidently ignorant and uncertain of his mistress and her wishes, says, “I will see if Mrs. Brown will see you,” and ushers you into the parlor, it is only proper to go in and wait. But it is always well to say, “If Mrs. Brown is going out, is dressing, or is otherwise engaged, ask her not to trouble herself to come down.” Mrs. Brown will be very much obliged to you. In calling on a friend who is staying with people with whom you are not acquainted, always leave a card for the lady of the house. The lack of this attention is severely felt by new people who may entertain a fashionable woman as their guest - one who receives many calls from those who do not know her hostess. It is never proper to call on a guest without asking for the hostess.
Again, if the hostess be a very fashionable woman, and the visitor decidedly not so, is it equally vulgar to make one’s friend who may be a guest in the house a sort of entering wedge for an acquaintance; a card should be left, but unaccompanied by any request to see the lady of the house. This every lady will at once understand. A lady who has a guest staying with her who receives many calls should always try to place a parlor [living room/den] at her disposal where she can see her friends alone, unless she be a very young person, to whom the chaperonage of the hostess is indispensable.
If the lady of the house is in the drawing-room when the visitor arrives to call on her guest, she is, of course, introduced and says a few words; and if she is not in the room, the guest should inquire of the visitor if the lady of the house will see him or her, thus giving her a chance to accept or decline.
For all its fancy household staff, parlor rooms, and formalities, the courtesy at the heart of Sherwood’s advice is all about not imposing on people. Today, we use different methods like sending a text or giving a call instead of leaving a card or interacting with a butler. But the core courtesy is still absolutely there: for a drop-by visit, do not expect to be seen. If you were to stop by, or even just pick up the phone and call a friend today, most of us would of course offer them an out and say something like, “If now’s not a good time, I totally understand.” And today, when we are someone’s houseguest it is still important to communicate with our hosts about whether we may have visitors over. And if we may, where (specifically in the house) and how is the best way to host them. Just like in 1897, today, as a visitor, you want to pay respect to the host when you are visiting a houseguest of the host.
Sherwood’s detailed view into the art of visiting also touches upon the issue of social climbing. It’s not that introductions and meeting people strategically aren’t to be done, but how you do it makes all the difference. And just like today, it would be rude to either force a host to meet one of your (the houseguest’s) acquaintances or (even worse) for the visiting guest to use their relationship to the houseguest as a way to get an introduction to the host. Never a good move whether in 1897 or 2023.
NEW PRODUCT: Dinner Party Digital Planner
We’ve added two new digital planners to The Emily Post Shop. Our Host a Dinner Party planner and companion Dinner Menu Recipe Set #1 give you a full range of dinner party planning options. With tools like menu and budget planners and reusable seating charts, advice on leading the way as a host, handling mishaps and guiding conversation, table setting tips and guides, this planner helps you stay organized for your party while also giving you the etiquette edge! Best of all it’s REUSABLE. The Dinner Menu Recipe Set gives you a 3-recipe menu to serve for your dinner party, along with a smart shopping list and other planning tools. Keep an eye out for more recipe sets coming soon!
LAST CHANCE FOR 20%OFF offer ends March 6, 2023
Use coupon code: 20OFFLAUNCH
SIGNED COPIES AVAILABLE
If you’d like a signed copy of our latest edition, Emily Post’s Etiquette - The Centennial Edition, now’s the time! You can order your copy(s) through our favorite independent Vermont bookstore, Bridgeside Books, by clicking the button.
Thank you for spending some time with us at Emily Post diving into the world of etiquette from bygone eras. Keep an eye out for the Saturday Sip, your weekly etiquette inspiration! Until then we hope you have a great week!
Cheers,
Lizzie and Dan