Etiquette Throwback: The Sympathy Call
Margery Wilson describes the sympathy call in her 1937 book The New Etiquette
The New Etiquette, The Sympathy Call, 1937
While funerals and memorial services can run the gammut from casual to formal, the etiquette around them and calling on the bereaved is quite the same as it was almost a century ago. While the rest of the CALLS AND CALLERS chapter would not fit in with today’s advice—it’s heavily focused on the appropriateness of women calling on men, and men calling on women— this section on how to handle a sympathy call holds up well.
*Please note that grammar and spelling in the following excerpt follow early 20th-century standards.
CALLS AND CALLERS
THE SYMPATHY CALL
One should call on a bereaved friend. If one wishes to pay respect to the family of a person who was admired greatly but whom he did not know very well, a note, a card or flowers would be more appreciated. Still a brief call on a sorrowing family and an offer of assistance, even if one is not received, is a gracious and human expression of sympathy. Usually one is not received in a call of condolence. The call of condolence is not usually returned. This truth does not seem to be generally understood. Sometimes women write me a wail about other peoples in gratitude after their calls and concerns at the time of a bereavement. They say, "And she didn't even return my call." The maligned friend is merely acting in line with social correctness. What a horrible thought that a stricken heart should be dragged around to make from twenty to two hundred calls, depending on her breadth of acquaintances.
The call Margery Wilson is referring to in this chapter is not by telephone. She means stopping by to visit with someone if they are able to see you and spend time with you at the moment. Long before texting, you had to just show up at someone’s door to see if it was a good time for a visit.
It’s nice to see that even in the 1930s the general tone of Wilson’s etiquette book is that of putting people — in this case bereaved people — above manners and customs like returning a call.
While today we would likely reach out via phone or text before just dropping by, it’s worth noting that a drop by visit is appropriate, as long as you are gracious about it if the person you’re visiting says it’s not a good time.
Do you do drop by visits, if so, what are the parameters that make you feel okay about it. We’d love to hear about it! Communities Members may post in the comments section of this post. If you can’t post here, try our Monday podcast post, where the comment thread is open to all.
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