Etiquette Throwback: 1982, The Ms. Mystery, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
With humor and wit Miss Manners discusses the relatively new title of Ms. in 1982
Miss Manners, Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, 1982, The Ms. Mystery
We delightfully delve into Miss Manners’ (Judith Martin’s) work this week. While many an etiquette author avoids humor, opting instead for a straightforward approach with their advice - we joke that it can often lead to feeling like you’re advising someone on how to boil water or breathe. Miss Manners assumes you’ve been a player in this world and that using politeness to tackle otherwise maddening situations is deliciously fun (“For example, a gentleman of Miss Manners’ acquaintance dislikes being honked at by impatient drivers for not starting his automobile quickly enough when a traffic signal turns green. Instead of honking back, however, he puts on his emergency break, emerges from his car, presents himself to the honker in the vehicle behind, and inquires, “Did you summon me?”) especially when you have the upper hand and are in control of yourself.
Miss Manners is bolder than we are at Emily Post, and we admire her for it. Let’s look back at her 1982 volume and how Miss Manners handles using the social title Ms.
*Please note that grammar and spelling in the following excerpt follow 20th-century standards.
Basic Civilization
COMMON COURTESY FOR ALL AGES
The Ms. Mystery
pg 74-75
Just because Miss Manners isn’t Ms. Manners, don’t think she is going to lend her good name (Manners) to all you silly people who carry on about what a dreadful innovation you think the title of “Ms.” It happens to be a clever, useful, invention and as for all that whining about its not being pronounceable—well, “Mrs.” doesn’t have any vowels in it, either. [Neither does Mr.]
It is not as though anybody had gotten the hang of the old system. Miss Manners was constantly being appalled by the way women were being misaddressed, all these years, with the traditional titles of Miss and Mrs. The form “Mrs. Daffodil Awful” does not properly fit anyone—not a widow, not a divorcée, not a buisnesswoman.
The correct answer is:
From birth, Daffodil Louise Perfect is styled “Miss,” although her brother, Cutlip, is called “Master” rather than “Mr.” until he is big enough to knock down anyone who tries it. However, the older sister of Miss Daffodil Louise Perfect is not addressed as Miss Viola Brentwood Perfect, but, because she is the ranking daughter, only as Miss Perfect.
When Daffodil marries Johnathan Rhinehart Awful, 3d (after breaking the engagement several times and driving everyone crazy, especially the lady at the department store bridal registry), she becomes Mrs. Johnathan Rhinehart Awful, 3d. When she opens a yarn and Pakistani leathergoods boutique, there is no right way at all that she can be addressed in business correspondence. “Mrs. Daffodil Awful” would be incorrect, and “Mrs. Johnathan Awful” would be inappropriate. After Daffy and Rhino are divorced, she correctly combines her maiden surname with her ex-husband’s, thus becoming Mrs. Perfect Awful. The strict old rule was that a divorced woman could continue to use her husband’s full name if she was the innocent party in the divorce, but this no longer applies, as nobody is innocent anymore.
Had Daffy murdered Rhino instead, which she considered in order to simplify the property settlement, she would have remained Mrs. Jonathan Rhinehart Awful, 3d. The name of an undivorced woman is the same whether her husband is dead or alive, however much the old friends of broken-hearted widows enjoy taunting them by insisting that they cannot continue to use their husband’s names as they did before bereavement.
Now do you feel a little more kindly inclined toward the use of “Ms.”? Daffodil can correctly be styled Ms. from birth to death, without anyone’s having to ask her where Rhino is (if you find out, several tradesman would like to know) before knowing the correct form. Does “Ms.” still seem so odd and difficult?
One note of caution. Women who prefer the old forms should not be bullied into giving them up. In this period of transition, it is courteous to address people in the fashion with which they feel comfortable. Miss Manners herself is still struggling, valiantly and democratically, to make the adjustment from being called Lady Manners in the old country.
Right off the bat, Miss Manners lets the reader know where she stands “you silly people”. Miss Manners does not have a problem with the newly suggested title and sees great need for its usage. While we do wish she had described why using a married title with a gentleman’s full name would be inappropriate for a businesswoman, we are guessing it stems from the business not being his, even though it is his wife running it, and she uses his name socially everywhere she goes. In business, it’s clear from Miss Manners that this was inappropriate in 1982.
We are a bit infatuated with Miss Manner’s example characters “Miss Perfect” and “Mrs. Perfect Awful” are just too rich not to love. As well as her willingness to imagine them far beyond the exact example at hand. Murder, as the example of Mr. Awful’s demise, was definitely a shocking moment for these eyes, and yes, it made us chuckle. Daffy’s Yarn and Leather Goods store was a hysterical hit at the many odd shops that turn up when someone turns hobby and personal passion into business. (In this writer’s case, it was a confection company - with a school-sport-booster-club angle that quickly came and went.)
What we adored most, though, was Miss Manners’ close-out. In it, she calls for kindness, asking readers not to pressure those who are not ready to make the leap. While she clearly isn’t advising these folks to ignore Ms. She is clearly telling everyone that no one should be heckled or harassed for choosing the old way while, in 1982, Americans are still in a state of transition with this new title.
With punchy lines, solid evidence, and kindness at heart, Miss Manners helped to guide millions of Americans through the transition to Ms., and given how well it’s used today, we’d say the efforts were a huge success.
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